DDT Digest Books The Last Nitro Ever
DDT Digest Books The Last Nitro Ever
Nicholas Seafort, frequent contributor to DDT Digest, is the man most known for keeping Win/Loss records for wrestlers in the various promotions and making them available on the Internet. In addition to doing all that, he came up with one of the best ideas I've heard in a long time. Rather than a "night of champions" that puts belts on the line, a more appropriate concept for what is possibly the last show ever for WCW would have been a final resolution to the open angles...and not just the current ones, but some of the unresolved ones over the years.
He sent a number of great booking ideas and, with his permission, just about all the members of the DDT Digest staff made their contributions. You will find the contributions sprinkled throughout. Rather than point out who did what, this feature should be seen as written by all of us.
Interestingly enough, we came up with two endings to the show. Both are truly endings that couldn't be put within the show so, at the end of the report, you will be given an option of one of two endings. I encourage you to check them both out. Also, very important...I have an MP3 file to download which will be played at a certain point in Ending Number Two. If you have speakers and you can handle downloading a 1M file, it's worth the effort. Please do not play the MP3 before the appointed time; otherwise, it will ruin the effect. Please download the file and get it ready to play but do not play it until the appointed moment. Download the file from this location.
We hope you enjoy this. I guess the final question is...did they do a better job of booking the last Nitro, or would we have?
Click here for Ending 1
- We are live from The Omni in Atlanta.
- The show opens with Tony Skee-o-vone, Larry Zbyszko and Bobby Heenan. They go on about how all roads will converge tonight. Schiavone says that if new owners are not found by the end of the live broadcast, WCW will be finished.
- The first person to the ring is...Baby Doll! Whoa!!! She grabs the microphone to introduce herself and then shows the shocking photos that Dusty Rhodes never wanted us to see. These photos are the reason why Dustin turned against his father and became the Goldust character.
As for what the photos contain...I'd rather not describe it. Er, did you ever see the movie American Pie?
What a way to open the show.
- Before going to the ring, we cut to a shot of the door of a bathroom stall. At the opening to the bottom of the door, we see black wrestling boots, and a pair of black wrestling tights at the (presumably) man's feet.
- Match #1: Chip Minton vs. "Gentleman" Chris Adams to settle it once and for all.
- The crowd is completely silent during and after the match.
- The match goes to a thirty-minute draw.
- YOUR WINNER: No winner. Match is a draw.
- After the match, Adams looks into the camera and says "I still don't know what's happening to me!"
- We cut to the dressing room, and we see Rick Steiner sitting on a bench, lacing up his boots. He sniffles and wipes his nose...it's kind of weird...it almost looks like he's puffy and breaking out in an allergic reaction. What's the pollen count in Atlanta today?
- In back of the building, Scott Hall is fishing the WCW World Television Title belt out of a dumpster.
- As a result of the "former champions bring your boots" announcement, Gene Okerlund introduces the returning Johnny B. Badd. They reintroduce him with a clip from '91 saying "I'm so pretty, I should have been born a little girrrrrrl!" He is here to wrestle for the TV title... looking like Rena. They start to interview him, but Lenny Lane and Lodi arrive and start looking him over. The three of them leave together.
- In back of the building, Meng is fishing the WCW Hardcore Title belt out of a dumpster.
- Hugh Morrus's senile war-veteran grandfather is seen dropping off his girlfriends, Major Gunns and Midnight, at the unemployment office. In the corner we see Crowbar and Daffney, crouched in the corner, mumbling something about "Meng" and "Hardcore Championship" before laughing and falling back into his Gordon Solie impression.
- We go back to Gene Okerlund on the top of the entrance ramp. He has another former champion with him who is up to the challenge. The camera pans back to show us Arn Anderson!
Arn says he is defying doctor's orders by even going anywhere near a wrestling ring, but he realizes that this is truly his last chance to wrestle in front of a crowd, and he's got one fight left in him. To my delight, he starts cutting a killer promo, talking about how he's felt like less than a man since the neck surgery. This match will be a fitting ending to his career, closing the book on everything in his career, with the exception of finding out how attacked him in his hospital room the night before his surgery.
With that, Missy Hyatt appears! As Missy is wont to do, she is showing about a foot of cleavage, and she's still got her annoying voice. She owns up to attacking Arn Anderson in the hospital, saying it was a payback for his being the only wrestler on the NWA/WCW roster in the late 1980s that didn't bang her. Arn's eyes get big, and he grabs her in a front facelock, setting her up for a DDT! He looks to the crowd for approval, and they're going nuts! Before he can execute the move, Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko appear on the scene in street clothes. Arn is stunned. Benoit and Malenko look at each other and say "She was not supposed to be here". With that, they pick Missy up and carry her off, as she flails her arms and legs throwing a tantrum.
Arn is uncharacteristically at a loss for words. He thinks for a second, and starts shaking his head ruefully. He said he doesn't have these problems at home because his wife "stays home and keeps her mouth shut when it comes to business". With that, Arn's wife appears on the scene and grabs him by the ear, and starts walking him out of the arena, as she nags him.
The cameras follow them to the parking garage, with her pulling him by the ear and nagging the entire time. She shoves him into the passenger seat of a waiting mini-van which has two kids in the back. She gets in the driver seat, and we can see her still verbally letting him have it while he hangs his head in shame.
The camera pans back a bit as we see the view from behind Okerlund as he watches the mini-van start to pull out of the garage. As the mini-van is pulling out, Arn's wife rolls down her window and yells back to us, "Is the world coming to an end? No, I just pinned the immortal Arn Anderson."
- We return to the backstage area, and Barbarian sitting at a table eating a sandwich. There's a lunchbag on the table in front of him, and it has "Animal" written on it. Out of nowhere, Animal comes onto the scene and cracks Barbarian in the face with a barbell plate. GEEEZZ!!!!
Paramedics rush onto the scene and, as we cut away, we hear one of them say something about Barbarian's orbital bone.
- Match #2: Rick Steiner vs. Shane Douglas
- Long story short: The match is your standard Rick Steiner match....
- Shane does all the selling and Rick wins after hitting two DVDs in a squash.
- YOUR WINNER: Rick Steiner via pinfall.
- After the match, Rick grabs a mic and runs through his catchphrases. Suddenly, a short figure hits the ring and attacks Rick, biting him on the leg. Rick yells in pain (yes, he finally sells something) and looks to down to see Chucky attacking him!
- Chucky made good on his promise!
- We cut to the back, and Brad Armstrong is handcuffed and being read his rights. He's being charged with attempting to solicit minors by giving them candy, possession of marijuana and promoting it on the air, and also membership in a gang or "posse".
- We go back to Gene Okerlund in the backstage area, who introduces another former champion who has accepted the challenge to "bring his boots". The camera pans back, and it's Lou Thesz! Holy shit!!
Lou Thesz starts talking about how all the champions in the last twenty years have been acrobats, and not really wrestlers. He wants to show that at the age of 80, he still knows more about how to wrestle that any supposed "wrestling champion" out there today. Suddenly, the backs of two men in suits block the camera view and they start talking to Lou Thesz. Okerlund is standing there stunned. After a few seconds, the camera pans around to show Lou Thesz being handcuffed by one of the men, and they lead him away. As they are taking him away, we can hear Lou Thesz pleading "The only reason I took the money was to donate it to the Ric Flair retirement fund!"
The camera goes back to Okerlund who, with genuine surprise says, "Lou Thesz has just been arrested for the theft of Eddie Guerrero's wallet....he is being taken to Alcatraz to share a cell with Roddy Piper. Back to you, Tony."
- Oh...my...God. Master P and the No Limit Souljas make their triumphant return to WCW in celebration of P's third nephew's birthday.
- Amidst the rousing celebration, the fifty or so members of P's entourage (at fifty grand a pop) are interrupted by the return of Curt Hennig and the West Texas Rednecks 2001:
Terry Funk, "Dr. Death" Steve Williams (and Oklahoma), and inexplicably, Tank Abbott in his canned Tank Sinatra gimmick.
- Amidst the fracas, Williams paralyzes Cassius, 4x4, and six EMT staff with his Oklahoma Roll while Funk hurls himself off a forty-foot ladder through the announcer's table for no reason.
- With the blood starting to flow and the crowd on its feet, Vampiro and the Insane Clown Posse rise up through the ring and start picking off members of each stable.
- And then the lights dim. Thirty druids brandishing torches (another Russo "original" concept) form ranks in the aisle.
- Vampiro and his cronies genuflect as his cloaked mentor takes the stage.
- The robed mystery man reveals himself as the original owner of that prized Chrysler hubcap that the Cat, Mortis, Wrath and Glacier all so desperately sought years ago.
- He introduces the aforementioned quartet as his foot soldiers in the Neo-Dungeon of Doom. As the crowd sits on its hands in abused, stunted silence, the vengeful spirit then unmasks to reveal...
- Van Hammer.
- We go back to Rick Steiner in the locker room, and he looks even worse. His face and neck are all swollen, and he's having trouble breathing. He goes to get something out of his gym bag, and a cat pops out and jumps on his lap. With that, Rick Steiner falls backwards of the bench and passes out. A closet door opens and Sting walks slowly out, and a number of cats come out with him as well. The cats start walking all over Steiner's prone body, meowing, purring, and rubbing themselves against him. Sting stands over Steiner, smiling and nodding slowly.
The announcers are at a loss until Zbyszko suddenly starts screaming, "Oh, my God!!! Rick Steiner is deathly allergic to cats! Somebody call the EMTs now!"
We go to commercial...
- Back from commercial, as Schiavone and Heenan are introducing the next match, someone jumps over the railing to hand Schiavone a videotape. They play the videotape, it's Piper in Alcatraz, babbling incoherently. WCW security brings out an old Scottish couple, who translate Piper's babblings into him saying that he wants his family to watch the I'm Your Man video, that he's your reality check, that he cowers over nothing, and that he wants to go home.
So, Piper's son comes out, and stands there giving a victory sign, which brings out John Tenta, who chases him backstage yelling "Shark attack!".
- We go to the back of the arena, and Rick Steiner is being loaded into an ambulance. The entire scene is pretty creepy, as the EMTs are actually giving him CPR and giving him an injection of adrenaline to stem the reaction. Just as they are closing the back doors to the ambulance, the driver turns around...it's "Macho Man" Randy Savage! He says "Life is fragile" as the doors close and the ambulance pulls away.
- We cut to Brian Knobbs and Fit Finlay who are still dressed exactly like each other, still have the exact same haircut, and are still lying in that junkyard, covered in trashcan lids and cookie sheets.
"Anybody? Hello? Is anybody there?"
- We cut to another shot of the bathroom stall door. Same boots, same tights. No voiceover, no explanation.
- Gene Okerlund is in the ring, and he introduces Sting. Okerlund notes that due to injuries, Sting cannot wrestle tonight. However, the folks at Turner wanted to honor Sting for his loyalty and his carrying the promotion through the 1990s. Okerlund mentions that Sting's King Of Cable Championship Belt was on the boat when Cheetum blew it up and, to honor Sting, they are going to give him something even better. With that, Terry Funk comes out to present Sting with a championship belt noting him as Lifetime World Washing Machine Champion.
- Match #3: The Cross-Over Battle Royale
- Oh, Lord. It's a battle royale of all the non-wrestlers that have been in the ring over the last few years. Entrants are Kevin Greene, Dennis Rodman, Reggie White, Jim Kelly, Mancow, Bruce Smith, Insane Clown Posse, Tank Abbott, Jay Leno, The Battle Dome Guys, The Misfits, Chuck Zito, and Arli$$.
- Just when you think it can't get any better, guess who gets his own entrance? It's David Arquette. I kid you not. With his stupid cape and everything. Oh, man.
- And we're still not done. Iron Man starts to play. And on every big screen in the arena, it's the massive ego himself, Vince Russo. And that brings the man himself down the aisle, complete with New York Yankees cap on his head.
- Oh, man, this is going to suck. All the (and I use the term loosely) combatants are in the ring. The bell sounds.
- None of the non-athletes know what to do, and the guys with an athletic background go right after them.
- Hah! First to go is David Arquette! He took one punch from Tank Abbott and covered his face. He looks like he's crying. Tank dumps Arquette over the top rope to the floor almost as an afterthought. Arquette runs to the back crying like a baby. Heh.
- Next to go is Vince Russo. He's pissed. He pulls a wireless microphone out of his back pocket but before he can use it, Doug Dellinger grabs it away. Hah! Security starts bum rushing him out of the building and you can hear Russo going, "You can't do this to me! I'm talent!!!" The camera follows them to a fire door, and they pitch Russo through it. As the door closes, locking Russo out of the building, you can hear Russo screaming "I'm supposed to get to do a promo!" The door slams shut, and that's the end of Vince Russo. Hah!!!
- Back to the match...it's pretty much as expected, with the non-athletes getting eliminated almost immediately. Arli$$, Mancow, Jay Leno, The Misfits...all gone early.
- One-by-one, the rest of the athletes get eliminated. I'd give you the order of elimination, but I don't really care, and I doubt you do, either.
- Actually, the interesting thing that's becoming apparent is that Tank Abbott and Chuck Zito have got some kind of alliance going. They're working together doing the eliminations and, after they eliminate Kevin Greene, they're the last two left.
- They both raise their hands in the air. It looks like they're going to be co-winners.
- And, as you might expect...when Zito's back is to Tank Abbott, Tank nails Zito with a urinage! Tank pummels Zito a bit and then, it's academic, Tank pitches Zito from the ring.
- As Tank is getting booed by the crowd, a woman runs into the ring to celebrate with Tank. Tank doesn't know quite what to make of her.
- All of a sudden, the woman takes a swing at Tank...and knocks him out with one punch!
- The woman pulls of her wig to reveal...Ronnie Garvin. Holy crap, it's the Hands Of Stone! Hah!!
- YOUR WINNER: Tank Abbott...flat on his back.
- In back of the building, Madusa is fishing the WWF World Women's Title belt out of a dumpster.
- We cut to the airport, where Disco Inferno is about to board a plane. He tells us that he is going to an island off Hong Kong to fight in a martial arts tournament to earn the money to pay off the loan sharks once and for all. He says he can't lose...his Uncle Vito gave him a sheet of paper with all the moves on it that he should use. A woman comes up to him and gives him a kiss...it's Jacqueline!
They walk down the jetway hand-in-hand. The camera pans way back, and as we start to fade from the scene, we see a kid on a bicycle furiously pedaling through the airport toward the jetway yelling "I want my two dollars!".
- Once again, we get another shot of the bathroom stall door. As we are seeing this, Tony Schiavone tells us that Lex Luger will not be able to compete tonight, as he is not feeling well. Larry Zbyszko is incredulous looking at the monitor...he doesn't believe it.
Larry: "That makes no sense at all...Lex is very careful about what he eats on days where he is going to compete. He has a big breakfast and pretty much doesn't eat for the rest of the day. In fact, the only thing I think he's had to eat all day are some chocolate chip cookies that Hacksaw Jim Duggan gave him."
- In the back of the building, Norman Smiley is fishing the World Backyard Wrestling Champion belt out of the dumpster.
- Gene Okerlund is backstage to interview...La Parka! YES!!! Gene starts asking La Parka questions and La Parka's answers are coming via the voiceover. You know, that voiceover does sound familiar.
There's a crashing sound from behind them and one of the curtains on the set has fallen down. Behind it, doing the voiceover, it's Kevin Nash...dressed as Oz.
- The Desperadoes enter the ring and say that they have searched the world for ten years and still have not found Stan Hansen. Stan Hansen promptly comes to the ring and destroys them.
- In back of the building, Shane Douglas is fishing the NWA World Heavyweight Title belt out of a dumpster.
- Speaking of Mancow, it's another "Paid for by Jimmy Hart" DJ Challenge announcement. Cripes. Jimmy Hart starts prattling on about his DJ challenge and some huge guy walks up to him and socks him! Holy crap, I think the guy broke Hart's jaw!! Hart's on the ground in agony. The big guy turns around and says, "Now it's take for Torrie Wilson to talk to the judge!", and he walks off.
Holy shit! That was The Greaseman!!
- As the announcers start to talk about the significance of the next match, Barry Windham jumps over the railing and slams the Wesstern States Heritage Title belt down on Larry Zbyszko's wrist. Zbyszko starts screaming that his wrist is broken as the trainers run out to escort him backstage. Schiavone and Heenan are stunned.
- Match #4: Ric Flair vs. Kevin Nash for the position of CEO of WCW.
- Once Schiavone and Heenan regain their composure, they resume their discussion of the significance of this match. Basically, it is to settle the old WCW vs. nWo issue once and for all. According to the announcers, Ric Flair is still, among other things, pissed off about the Arn Anderson nWo skit, and Kevin Nash wants to give WCW one more figurative slap in the face. They play the clip of him saying, "As long as I have breath in my body, I'll be fighting against WCW."
- Kevin Nash comes to the ring to the original nWo music, accompanied by Scott Hall. They enter the ring, do the Wolfpack salute, and Scott Hall does his survey to a great pop from the crowd.
- Ric Flair does his traditional entrance to the 2001: A Space Odyssey music, complete with robe with a feather boa, opening the robe and turning slowly as the pyros go off. As Ric Flair comes to the ring, we briefly cut a shot of Buddy Landel in the crowd holding up a sign that says "I've Been Fired More Times Than You've Had Pieces Of Ass".
- Flair and Nash stare each other down, with Flair looking strangely reminiscent to how he looked staring down Kerry Von Erich immediately before their match where Kerry won the NWA World Heavyweight Title in Texas Stadium.
- As they are about to lock up, they are both distracted by someone running down the entranceway waving sheets of paper.
- It's WCW legal counsel, Alan Sharp, who runs to the ring and grabs a microphone.
- Alan Sharp announces that neither man in this match can compete, since both have lost retirement matches. Also, he announces that the assigned referee for this match, Nick Patrick, would not be allowed to officiate, anyway, since he is still suspended. Security arrives to escort all three men to the back.
- As the crowd is booing like crazy, Scott Hall confers privately with Alan Sharp. The conversation ends with Alan Sharp shrugging and nodding his head.
- Alan Sharp takes the microphone and announces that since the nWo has the right to get a shot at any title at any time, Scott Hall is now CEO of WCW by forfeit.
- Scott Hall does the double fist pump in the ring as he is pelted by garbage thrown by the fans.
- YOUR WINNER: Scott Hall by forfeit.
- Arena personnel clean out the ring as we get ready for the final match of the evening.
- Backstage, Ted Turner is interviewed about his thoughts about the end of WCW. As he begins to talk about how great the last thirteen years have been, someone in a Scream costume blindsides him, knocks him down, and stomps a mudhole into him until he is unconcious.
The person in the Scream outfit unmasks to reveal Jane Fonda! She announces that she taken the billion dollars that Ted was giving to the UN and has rerouted it to the North Vietnamese Army. She ends her interview telling us "It's my fondest wish, that some day, every American will get down on their knees and pray to God that some day they will have the opportunity to live in a Communist Society."
As the interview ends, "Diamond" Dallas Page walks up next to Jane Fonda and puts his arm around her. DDP gives Jane Fonda a big kiss and smiles at the camera and says "My benefactor".
With that, they walk off hand-in-hand.
Click here for Ending 2