WCW Wednesday Night Thunder - December
Holiday-flavored greetings and generally cheerful salivations
to the Digest's intrepid following of WCW faithful. Bill stuffed
The Schwahsylum's stocking
early this year, by annointing myself as one of the Wednesday
Night Thunder regular crew. Until further notice, I'll be shimming
up the doldrums of the mid-work-week stretch with a report every
two to three weeks, sharing the punchcard with Jarod and Big Mike.
Here's a toast of spiked eggnog to the intrepid Xavier Doom
and his report on WCW's Starrcade. I haven't seen it, nor do I
plan to, but as usual, XD provides the dirty details at great
cost to his well-being and sanity--Monday Nitro was the usual
World Championship Wrestling smorgasboard of hot and cold running
hope, ranging from gutter-brand crap to passable effort from the
As a sidebar note, fans of Lash LaRoux should take a look at
this. It's got about
as much chance of happening as WCW pulling off a reasonably satisfactory
performance with the handling of the Sin main event, but it'd
still be kinda cool.
Thunder picks up right where we faded with Aldo, lots of bollocks
about the mystery man, Goldberg's wretched "streak"
angle and the Insiders-slash-Natural Born Thrillers feud.
- Speak of the nonsense, and it shall appear. Clips of Nitro
run, outlining the situations with Jarrett, Flair and Steiner.
- Ric, God bless his ever-lovin' soul, cuts an introductory
promo for the evening's proceedings in the back seat of his limousine.
- We get the match menu and more overblown hype about the mystery
- The pyro pops, and the talking heads do their thing.
- Match #1: Jamie Knoble vs. Chavo Guererro Jr. (For the WCW
- The former Jamie-San makes his entrance first.
- Out comes the new, improved and decidedly awkwardly heelish
Chavo to Uncle Eddy's old theme.
- Clips from the 2-Count contest on Nitro.
- Chavo grabs the mic and cuts a textbook eighties "psychological
battery" promo about how he'll bypass Sugar Shane Helms
as number one contender at Sin if he drops the strap to Knoble.
- Decent bit, but Chavo's never really had a chance to get
over his greenhorn mic skills. I like the direction they've got
him wound on right now, though.
- Knoble's heard all he cares to, and jumps the champ from
- Tussling and standard cruiserweight armlock exchanges to
- Jamie lands a dropkick. A bodyslam follows with a backbreaker,
leading to a brief STF variation.
- Several rollups by the challenger for a series of two counts.
- Chavo sends Knoble into the ropes, but Jamie comes back with
- Chavo gets bounced out of the ring and stalls out.
- Back in, Knoble slides out under an irish whip, snags Chavo
in a schoolboy and secures another two.
- Jamie attempts a piledriver, but Guererro blocks it and splits
Knoble for a knee to the jewels.
- Chavo with a couple of wonderfully oversold chokes.
- Chavo hefts Knoble to his feet for an old Curt Hennig-style
- Things slow down into another series of reversals and rollups,
culminating with a reverse neckbreaker by Knoble that takes both
- Chavo begs off with the hand behind the back!
- Knoble doesn't buy it, kicks Chavo and puts him up top for
- Here comes Sugar Shane..
- Helms grabs Chavo's foot, keeping Jamie from slinging him
off the top.
- Chavo recovers, punches Knoble off the turnbuckle and hits
a WICKED frogsplash.
- I didn't know Chavo had the kind of air in him that he got
on that move. French-kissing the light rigging over the ring,
- For whatever reason, Chavo also drops a brainbuster on Knoble
for the cover.
- YOUR WINNER AND FINALLY GETTING A FREAKIN' PUSH: Chavo Guererro
Jr. via pinfall.
- Considering Knoble was beaten half to death on Sunday night
and this match took place just twenty-four hours later, this
was a pretty decent contest.
- Gene is in the back with Daffney and Crowbar.
- Okerlund plays up the imminent collision between Crowbar
and Funk at Sin.
- Daffney: "It's not easy being green."
- See, she's got a shirt that says "Booger" and a
gak-green wig on.
- Crowbar runs down Bigelow and Funk with his usual whipcrack
- Crowbar still rules.
- Flair is hanging around in the backstage area.
- The Cat comes puttering up on an ATV with Miss Jones riding
- Miller's "pimp coat" looks like he skinned a motel
- Miller wants a piece of Steiner, and Flair obliges before
heading out for an "important meeting".
- Gene's got Bam Bam Bigelow and the mic in the back.
- Typical Bigelow eighties bastard promo. Nothing worth mentioning.
- Back in the arena, Jim Duggan is stumbling to the ring.
- Stills from Starrcade, and the turning of Team Canada.
- He's got a mic. Help me.
- Duggan blames "the wrestling experts" for his retirement
a few months back.
- I suppose those medical experts had nothing to do with it,
- Duggan wants to say he's sorry for the Team Canada situation.
- He apologizes to his dad, his wife and kids, and most importantly,
- I guess this is another retirement speech, since Tony mentions
that Duggan is "leaving WCW" as Hacksaw pouts back
up the ring aisle.
- Nice enough game from Duggan, but this horse couldn't be
deader if you bopped it on the noggin with a cinderblock.
- I was waiting for the Energizer Bunny during the Ronnie Milsap
- When we get back, Duggan is heading for the door with his
- Mike Awesome pops up out of the blue and begs Hacksaw not
- Awesome offers Duggan a ride home after the show, and Jim
- Mind your own goddamn business, Awesome! URGH!
- Gene's with the Natural Born Thrillers.
- Gene bolsters the battle royale, hinting dissident amongst
the ranks of the NBTs until Sanders shuts him up.
- Stasiak baits Okerlund, then blows him off. Gene doesn't
get his "prick" line in this time around, which may
have actually made this three minutes worth the watch.
- Duggan's outside, where General Rection stops him.
- Hugh says he understands that a man's gotta do what he's
gotta do to feed his family.
- He forgives Jim for what he's done, and the stocky lads get
their hug on.
- Hugh still isn't getting Hacksaw's Bud Light, though.
- Match #2: Tag Team Battle Royale (For the number one contendership
to the WCW Tag Team Titles)
- The following clusterf*** will determine who tangles with
The Insiders at Sin for the straps.
- The Jung Dragons and Leia Meow head out first, followed by
- Next up: Meng and Kwee-Wee (w/Paisely), The Harris Brothers
and the Evan Karagias-slash-Jamie Knoble pairing.
- The clubbering starts as the Filthy Animals representation
heads out--Rey and Kidman, with Tygress.
- Here comes Christ Benoit!
- Nah, it was just the same guitar chords. Here comes the Thrillers
- Claustrophobic physical slobber commences.
- Standard tag battle royale rules, if one member of a pairing
gets the boot, both wrestlers hit the showers.
- The Jungs get tossed first, as Leia kicks Yang and Kaz up
- Why the hell is there a referee in the ring?!
- Jamie and Evan are eliminated next, and they end up pushing
and shoving in the aisle.
- It should be mentioned during all this that the announcers
are paying ZERO-FRIGGIN'-ATTENTION to the match. They're calling
the action about two or three minutes after the fact.
- Meng clotheslines 2-Count over the top in stereo.
- Meng's got his old Faces of Fear tights on. How you say mothballs
- Big Vito vaults the barrier and starts beating the hell out
- Sanders moves to assisst, but Johnny the Bull smacks him
to his knees with a kendo stick.
- Johnny and Vito nose up, but end up in an embrace. Thank
God, maybe now the Paisans will get some sort of a recognizable
- Though with Big Lazy and DDPunchy using the belts as butt
warmers, it's real bloody unlikely.
- When we get back, Meng, Kwee-Wee and the Harrises have all
been sent packing.
- Of course, we're left to guess this until about five minutes
later, when Tony finally makes mention and notice of who's left
in the ring.
- The Thrillers are working Rey and Kidman over.
- Rey manages to avoid being eliminated several times, but
Sanders finally snags Kidman's foot and distracts the former
Flock kinder long enough for Palumbo to hit a springboard dropkick.
- Kidman spills out, and we've got the Perfect Event and Jindrak-O'Haire
as our apparent winners.
- Sanders crawls into the ring and grabs the stick.
- The Commish orders the bell be rung while the NBTs celebrate.
- Scott James (Now sporting black hair) protests, but gets
kicked out of the ring.
- Sanders rambles and gobs on for WAY too long.
- The payoff is that Sanders won't reveal with combination
of the Thrillers will be facing the Insiders at the Pay-Per-View.
- A "swerve" is executed, and somewhere, an indian
sheds a tear.
- Guess what?! We'll see something we can't imagine at Sin!
- Gene's got Midijah and the World Champion on the spot.
- Steiner reminds us that nobody controls him, in case we all
- Steiner jams more words into twenty seconds of speech than
anyone in the history of mankind.
- The moral of the story: Big arms = Sex
- Match #3: "Prime Time" Elix Skipper vs. Konnan
- "Almost Party Up" brings out Team Canada's representation.
- I really like Elix, actually. Considering where he's come
from and the amount of raw talent he's cultivated in such a short
time, he's got one hell of a future once someone with two synapses
to spark together gets their hands on him.
- Here comes Gonnad.
- Konnan throws out a catchphrase and the CROTCH SHIMMY OF
- K-Dawg with some banana slug footwork and a recliner pin
for 2 to start.
- Konnan snags the arm and seriously screws up a triangle jump
to the ropes, but the crack WCW production team cleverly cuts
to a random shot of some Meng-looking vato in the crowd to cover
- Konnan's seriously blown up after that, and Elix covers him
with a few kicks, a choke, and an irish whip.
- K-Dawg rolls under and hits his lariat.
- Elix drops the Matrix, but Konnan capitalizes for a reverse
- Elix vaults the ropes off an irish whip, but comes back with
a springboard headscissors and a two.
- Elix chokes K-Dawg out and plants him with a nice missile
- Konnan looks seriously thrashed, and Skipper bails him with
- K-Dawg finally busts out, and his a clothesline for two.
- Elix comes back with a hammerlock and an indian deathlock-style
drop under the shoulder.
- Skipper with his in-ring springboard legdrop for two.
- Irish whip. Konnan goes into the corner, but lands a messy
sunset flip for two.
- Rollups are exchanged, and K-Dawg hits the rolling lariat
and cinches in the Tequila Sunrise out of NOWHERE for the tap.
- YOUR WINNER AND WORKRATE CHAMPION: Konnan via submission.
- Wow. The lazier, less-talented name goes over the superior
rookie who basically carries the entire match? It's just like
'96 all over again!
- It's my unminigated honor to relinquish the first F*** You
WCW© moment on this match.
- The music is rockin', the rebels rule, and the mullets are
- Gene is standing by with Jeff Jarrett.
- Jarrett basically hits the catchphrases and runs Steiner
- The Wall and Lash get up in General Rection's face over the
situation with Duggan.
- Hugh defends his actions, but the MIA don't buy it--they
want to know why that's different from the deal with Chavo.
- Hugh says at least Duggan knows what he's done and has apologized,
as the others bail on him.
- Match #4: Crowbar (w/Daffney) vs. Bam-Bam Bigelow
- Daffney and Crowbar head out, screeching all the way.
- The announcers have the audacity to play up the Jimmy Hart
DJ challenge. Cripes.
- Bam-Bam heads out, selling his leg injury.
- Lockup to start, Bam-Bam sends Crowbar into the corner and
batters him with shoulder charges and an avalanche.
- HIGH hiptoss from the Beast, which Tony dubs as a "Superman
- Uh, yeah.
- Bigelow with an effortless suspension suplex.
- Bigelow tells Daffney to shut up, which prompts her to break
a few more windows.
- Crowbar bounces off the ropes and nails Bigelow's tender
knee with a dropkick.
- Crowbar with boots and a Tenta butt splash on the afflicted
- Elbow drops to the inside of the leg.
- Bigelow manages to kick Crowbar off, and the action heads
outside. Bigelow reverses a whip into the barrier, but Daffney
gets in on the act by raking Bam-Bam's eyes from around back.
- Bigelow stalks Daffney, but Crowbar comes to her rescue with
a crop block to the back of the knee.
- Crowbar with a baseball slide as Bam-Bam tries to crawl back
into the ring, and the Leap of Faith.
- Here comes Meng.
- Crowbar heads for the corner, but Meng's there with a chop
and the mighty fro-butt.
- Crowbar stumbles back right into the WORST Greetings
from Ashbury Park in the storied and pathetic history of the
- YOUR WINNER AND GIANT BANANA SLUG: Bam-Bam Bigelow via pinfall.
- Daffney = Ratings.
- Speaking of the black hole that is Arsenio Hall's career,
where the hell is Sid?
- The Blood Runs Colder promo runs.
- It's hard to believe a guy as fat as Glacier could be so
legitimately versed in martial arts.
- We see Norman Smiley eating it up, just like on "Monday".
- Some scrub sticks his head through the door and tells Norman
that he's got a match up next.
- Match #5: "Screaming" Norman Smiley vs. ???
- Smiley comes out, smackin' his proverbial bitch up to a big
- I've got a bad feeling about this.
- And yes. He'll be facing Goldberg.
- Wow! Here's a second for this brilliant decision: F*** You
- 'Berg gets the full entrance honors.
- Norman has a quietly restrained freakout, as 'Berg hits the
- Goldberg with a takedown to start.
- Norman springs to his feet, and pounds the hell out of Goldberg's
- 'Berg sends Smiley into the ropes, but Norman slips out of
a military press attempt.
- Norman springs up, but gets buried by the Spear.
- Jackhammer. Splat. Win.
- YOUR WINNER AND THAT'S ABOUT ALL: Bill Goldberg via squash.
- Totally Buff pops up on the Turnertron, revealing that a
Goldberg-Sarge versus Bagwell-Luger match has been signed off
- If Sarge eats the pin, then both he and Goldberg get their
- Goldberg says he's going to "kill" Luger at Sin.
- Er.. yeah.
- To the booker's credit, Norman does get the rub as Goldberg
helps him up from the mat and out of the ring after the fact.
- Alright. Seriously. Wouldn't the best bet have been to have
the tag match for Sin been booked straight? Feasibly, Sarge could
do the job and we could dismiss the whole idiotic "streak"
angle on a technicality.
- That said, I'm calling a Bruce turn on Goldberg at the PPV.
- I thought Asian humor like that in this Norelco ad went out
with the days of eighties cinema.
- Gene's with Kronik and Shane Douglas.
- The new Starrcade shirt has a suspiciously "festive"
One Warrior Nation-style look to it.
- Douglas plays Ted DiBiase and forks over a fat wad of cash
to Kronik, who then grunt for their portion of the interview.
- Earlier today, Mike Tenay sat down with Ric Flair.
- Tenay asks Flair who the mystery man is.
- Flair runs the angle around in circles, basically torquing
Tenay into whining like a whipped pup.
- Flair talks up his transition from wrestler to CEO.
- Ric puts Steiner over, but says that since he's the flagship
wrestler for WCW, he's going to have to deal with whatever Flair
throws his way.
- Flair says he's never been jealous of Steiner, or any other
wrestler in his entire career.
- He finishes up by putting the belt over again.
- A whole lot of nothing, to summarize.
- Mickey Rooney? Jiminy Jillickers!
- The Cat and Miss Jones are standing by with Gene.
- Ernest socks in a standard jibberjabber© promo.
- Match #6: Shane Douglas and Kronik vs. The Misfits in Action
(General Rection, Lash LaRoux and The Wall)
- Douglas heads out first, as stills from Starrcade are run.
- Shane's on the mic. Cheap heat city, are you ready for a
- Shane mentions those darn "mobile homes with wheels"
in Richmond, Virginia.
- Douglas introduces Kronik.
- The MIA head down next.
- Shane and Rection start off, but Douglas begs off and tags
out to Adams.
- Adams clobbers Hugh with forearms, but ends up on the recieving
end of a Rection clothesline off the top rope.
- Hugh tags in Lash, who comes off the top to drop an axehandle
on a double-team armwringer.
- Lash goes for the Bourbon Street Blues, but Adams no-sells
- So LaRoux socks him in the crotch.
- Adams comes back with a lariat and a bodyslam for two.
- Clarke tags in, and goes to work with a bearhug takedown
and standard Big Man Offense®.
- Lash comes off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker, and
slaps in The Wall.
- Wall looks like Bobo from Nothing
But Trouble with that haircut.
- Clarke hits a drop toehold and tags off to Douglas, who nails
his flipping chinlock move and postures.
- Douglas in control for a spell, until Wall nails a spinebuster.
- Tony invokes the name of Arn Anderson thusly.
- A pileup ensues, with all six men brawling inside and outside
of the ring.
- Somewhere in there, Clarke slams Lash down after a dropkick
attempt and plants him with the Meltdown.
- Rection snakes Douglas, dumps him with a back bodydrop and
lands the No Laughing Matter.. sorta.
- Two count, but Clarke breaks it up.
- Adams has a chair, and ritually waffles each member of the
Misfits, ending with a slam on Hugh off the ropes.
- Rection stumbles right into the Franchiser, which leads to
the pin and..
- The three.
- YOUR WINNER VIA DASTARDLY SCOFFLAW CHICANERY: Shane Douglas
and Kronik via pinfall.
- Post-match, Douglas drags the wallet chain of incomprehensible
evil from his crotch and puts the shellacking on Rection.
- The fashion photographer in that 1-800-CALL-ATT commercial
looks like Tiger Ali Singh.
- We come back into the backstage area, where the MIA are being
attended to by the medical staff.
- Rection screams a lot. That's about all.
- Team Canada is on their way to the ring.
- Maybe we can hit the hat trick, and have Lance Storm job
to the guy in the Crash Bandicoot costume from those Playstation
- Lance helps himself to a mic, and runs down the embarassment
of the national election.
- And he's right.
- Storm burns Duggan for being a traitor, which prompts "Old
Glory" to blast over the loudspeakers.
- Good Gawd. Here comes Duggan with a 2 x 4.
- Worth noting is the instantaneous "USA!" chant
from the crowd, which was not only indifferent, but damn near
flatlining when Hacksaw came out the first time.
- Elix and Storm corner Duggan, who fends them off for what
seems like an hour.
- Hacksaw's got a microphone, but Mike Awesome hits the ring
to make the save.
- Awesome charges forward, but ends up walloping Duggan instead!
- Team Canada gets the beatdown on, as Awesome finally completes
the circle and channels the weekly NWO B-Team turn a'la 1997
by shedding his jacket to reveal a Canadian shirt.
- For once in WCW's lifespan, nobody gives a damn how predictable
a swerve was when compared to the overwhelming satisfaction of
watching Jim Duggan get punched and kicked a lot.
- Next, on Ripley's: WCW Monday Nitro once pulled ratings over
3.0! Believe it--OR NOT!
- Moments ago, Mike Awesome hopefully dumped his godawful 70's
Guy gimmick to turn his back on his country.
- Gene is with Team Canada.
- Awesome rips on the stupid leisure suit gimmick. Yes!
- Awesome dubs himself "The Canadian Career Killer".
- Storm tells Duggan to walk away from the fight, or get seriously
- Mike Awesome looks kinda like a seven-foot-tall version of
the Crocodile Hunter.
- Match #7: "The Cat" Ernest Miller (w/Miss Jones)
vs. "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner (w/Midijah) for
the WCW World Heavyweight Title
- Miss Jones and Ernesto cut a little rug upon hitting the
- Stills of Steiner's community beat-down from Nitro play.
- I really hope the mystery man isn't the Black Scorpion.
- The Genetic Freak and his Surgically-Enhanced Freak ride
the sirens to the ring next.
- Steiner controls at the outset, with punches, forearms and
a boot choke in the corner.
- Steiner drops the elbow and pounds out some pushups.
- Two big guys in the front row are giving Midijah a hell of
a lot of grief during the action, and we audibly hear her tell
them to "F*** off" as Steiner stomps the Cat.
- More clubbering from Steiner.
- Miller finally reverses a whip into the corner and puts Steiner
down with a spinning kick.
- Cat with a karate kick combination and a superkick that sends
- Irish whip into the rails, as Midijah and Miss Jones inexplicably
attack each other for the Gratuitous Catfight Segment of this
week's edition of Thunder.
- Ernest guillotine chokes Steiner over the top rope, then
sends in his knockoff James Brown Street Blues series.
- Steiner with a back-to-back suplex and a posedown, but he's
- The Mystery Man.
- The mystery opponent prances around like an idiot on the
crown of the ramp, wearing a mask that makes him look sorta like
Jeremy from The Yellow Submarine.
- The Cat nails the Feliner, but Steiner no-sells it at a two-count.
- Steiner comes back with a surprise T-Bone suplex and straps
in the Recliner for the quick tap.
- Steiner hauls up the ramp and after his departed antagonist,
and we fade..
- The Good: The second coming of Chavo's Cheat to Win
gimmick is progressing really nicely. Elix Skipper continues
to bang out some startling, if not undisciplined new offense
that far surpasses his spot on the card. The Mamalukes reunion
angle will finally get Johnny the Bull and Vito out of their
stupid singles storylines and into a more promising arena. And
despite having to pound out two above-squash matches in a night,
the roster continues to put on a decent show with the progressive
Nitro and Thunder taping schedule.
- The Bad: The WCW schizophrenia trend continues, rebounding
sharply from decent showings to disposible crap matches in the
span of mere moments. The booking needs to severely tighten up
all the way across the boards in consistency--no way in hell
should Elix Skipper and Norman Smiley be put in jobbing situations
when we've got guys like Konnan and Mike Sanders being pushed
in top positions.
- The Ugly: The direction of this whole mystery opponent
gimmick. I seriously cringe.
That's it for this week. We'll be running an all-crummy movie
media and review marathon until the New Year chimes in over at
Schwah, stop on by if you've
got a jones for Clint Howard and Bruce Campbell's phenomenal body
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