My name is Xavier Doom. And I am a hopeless Hulkamaniac.
Though I try to resist, I just can't get enough of watching the guy. That blond hair, that raspy voice, that great clothesline and fantastic legdrop.
He's a real American Hero. And I want to be just like him.
So, I'm back after five months from failed anti-Hulkamania treatment to write this pay-per-view report. I hope I can keep my wits about me.
I also hope Hogan wins the WCW belt tonight and reigns forever.
He's so tall, blond and powerful. Just like Marilyn Monroe was before she died.
- Commissioner Ernest Miller gets out of his limo and says goofy stuff to his driver.
- Asian flute music starts and Miller is attacked by the Jung Dragons.
- Miller survives the assault and kicks booty in a goofy-looking segment.
- Tony, Scott and Madden are your hosts.
- Where's Hulk Hogan?
- The Animals come to the ring.
- Konnan gets on the stick and sucks. Same old crap.
- Sounds like the crowd noise is canned. Christ...
- The ref is forcing the Animals and the MIAs to leave ringside.
- Major Gunns is such a slut, isn't she?
- Juventurd gets hugs from his homies.
- He is such a slut, isn't he?
- Juvi offers Loco Chavo a handshake and gets a whack.
- They run around and Loco hits a pair of atomic drops.
- Juviturd tries to leave. Chavo mocks him.
- Juvi stalls outside.
- Loco goes after Juvi, and Juvi slides in.
- He tries to supplex Chavo in, but gets supplexed outside.
- Chavo Loco puts Juviturd in the ring.
- The Turd begs off and pulls Loco into the turnbuckles.
- Punches by Juviturd.
- Chavo runs out of the corner -- clotheslines, backbreaker.
- Armbar by Chavo.
- Eyepoke and chops by Juvi.
- Chavo with legscissors and a powerslam. Two count.
- Chops by Chavo.
- Reverse whip by Juvi.
- They clothesline each other.
- Chavo with punches.
- Chavo tosses Juviturd outside.
- Chavo with a move off the top. Sort of an axehandle.
- The Animals come out in masks.
- The refs send them to the back.
- Juvi lands on Chavo outside the ring.
- Juvi punishes Chavo some more and they take it inside.
- Slam by Juventurd.
- Splash from the top rope. Nice. Two.
- Juvi to the top, Loco meets him.
- Juvi rolls over, lands on the mat, and hits a powerbomb.
- Hugh Morrus comes out with a Bill Clinton mask.
- The other MIAs are also masked.
- Here comes that trollop, Major Gunns. She distracts Juviturd.
- Chavo nearly hits the tornado DDT, but its blocked.
- Chavo hits an inverted powerbomb for 2½.
- Juvidriver. Foot on the rope. Two.
- Tornado DDT. Chavo wins, but he's no Hulk Hogan.
- The Dragons are in pain, getting a pep talk from Miller.
- Jarrett and his fat lady walk in. He wants to know where Hogan is.
- Vito's opponent, Terry Funk, can't be here.
- Vito says he wants the opponent promised to him by Miller.
- Here they come. It's Norman Smiley and Ralphus.
- Vito attacks both with a Singapore cane.
- What's that say on Vito's jacket? Staten Island Fairy?
- Brawling, blah blah blah.
- They take it to the back.
- Norman gets the advantage and the Staten Island Fairy takes some garbage can from Ralphus.
- They punish Vito for a few minutes.
- Vito regains the advantage.
- He and Smiley climb up on the hood of a truck.
- They slap plastic containers at each other.
- Ladies and gentlemen this is pro wrestling in 2000.
- Vito attacks a guy in an elevator, and leaves Norman inside it.
- The elevator takes off, Norman is gone, Vito goes after Ralphus.
- Ralphus is sort of juicing. Small cut.
- Vito chases Ralphus to the ring and beats him up.
- Vito gets a table (which is already broken).
- Vito puts Ralphus on the table.
- Splash.
- 1-2-3.
- Here comes Norman, too late.
- Norman's no Hulk Hogan.
- It'll be called New Blood Rising.
- Sunday August 13.
- I'll be writing it right here.
- Goodbye, Road Wild. **sniff**
- Kev gets all weepy over Scott Hall.
- Nash says he'll do what he must to save Hall's career from that nasty Goldberg.
- They've put a wedding cake outside the ring.
- Ms. Handjob sure is purty.
- Daffney comes out in Goth Formal.
- Daffney attacks Davey as he kisses Handjob.
- They brawl a bit.
- Handjob hits a hand-spring elbow. Great cartwheel, bad elbow.
- They brawl a bit more, and Madden makes a crack about the "Flair Witch Project," which, as we all know, is a feature at Weirdopalooza.
- Handjob attacks the ref as Davey attacks Daffney.
- Handjob rips the ref's pants off, Daffney rips off Davey's.
- It's chaos.
- Crowbar comes out and attacks Davey as they attempt to shave Daffney's head.
- Crowbar with a chop.
- Crowbar takes off his pants and supplexes Flair.
- For some weird reason, Handjob grabs the microphone, says "I know what you people want to see," and she starts stripping.
- She takes off her own dress and loses the match.
- Huh?
- Crowbar and Flair fling cake at each other.
- Handjob bends over. Nice cake.
- The girls get covered in cake.
- Ugh. Even as comedy matches go, this was bad.
- Thank goodness for Handjob's ass.
- Miller's walking, going over his duties.
- As he walks, the flute music starts up again, and the Dragons emerge.
- Here they are...
- Miller wonders where the hell the music is coming from. He figures he's hearing things, maybe working too hard.
- Mildly amusing, but really stupid.
- Wow, Kronic is over.
- So, is this the first time Bryan Adams has been cool?
- Adams begins against Palumbo.
- Lock up. Palumbo with a headlock.
- They go off the ropes and butt shoulders.
- Adams tosses Palumbo outside. He throws Stasiak on top of him.
- The champs stall.
- Clarke and Stasiak in. Clarke gets the advantage after giving Palumbo the finger.
- Choke slam. Nice.
- Kronic with a double forearm.
- Stasiak eats an Adams boot.
- Palumbo in. Full-nelson slam. Cover. Stasiak makes the save.
- The champs double-team Adams outside. Chair by Palumbo.
- Back inside, Stasiak covers. Two.
- Stasiak punishes Adams. Palumbo off the top with a shoulder drive.
- Punches by Palumbo. Sleeper.
- Adams gets out with elbows.
- Stasiak in. Two.
- Another sleeper. Adams out with elbows.
- They bound off the ropes and collide.
- Clarke tagged in. He hammers both opponents.
- Adams clears Stasiak out.
- Clarke attempts a Meltdown, but Palumbo escapes and hits a DDT.
- Stasiak in. He hits the challengers with a series of clotheslines.
- Stasiak attacks Clarke outside.
- Inside, Stasiak gets two.
- The champs with a double pancake. Two.
- Adams shoots Palumbo to the floor.
- Adams and Clarke double-team Stasiak. Double chokeslam.
- Palumbo breaks up the count.
- They give Palumbo the double chokeslam.
- Adams picks up Stasiak in a powerbomb position, and Clarke comes off the top with a clothesline.
- 1-2-3.
- New champs.
- Kronic is a good tag team, but I liked the classic combo of Hulk Hogan and Greg Gagne better.
- Miller again. Music again.
- Jarrett and the fat chick warn Miller he'd better deliver Hogan.
- Jarrett leaves, and the music starts again.
- The Dragons attack, and leave Miller laid out.
- Kanyon mocks DDP. Amusing.
- I've been away for awhile. Did Booker buy his "T" back?
- Where's fat ol' Ahmed Johnson?
- The crowd chants "Booker-T!!!" "Booker-T!!!" "Booker-T!!!"
- Are you listening, WCW?
- Booker gets the early advantage, keeping Kanyon on the run.
- Booker hits the sidekick.
- Kanyon outside, and back in.
- He hammers Booker a few times, and eats a dropkick.
- Clothesline by Booker.
- Booker rips off Kanyon's t-shirt, chokes him with it, and tosses him over the top.
- While Kanyon's down, Booker looks inside Kanyon's book, and finds a brick.
- He's pissed. He hammers Kanyon on the outside.
- Inside, Booker hits a clothesline. Two.
- Outside again. Kanyon tosses Booker into the steps. He puts the steps on Booker, and hits the steps with a chair.
- Okay. So what?
- Kanyon puts Booker against the ringpost, and hits him with a baseball slide dropkick into the steel.
- Kanyon with a nice middle-rope supplex to bring Booker in. Two.
- Kanyon gets a chair, and wedges it between the top and middle turnbuckles.
- Booker with a powerslam. Two.
- Kanyon attempts to throw Booker into the chair.
- Booker attempts to leap over, and gets caught and pancaked.
- Kanyon with a reverse Boston crab.
- Booker powers out and gets a two count.
- Booker with a good-looking forearm.
- Kanyon gets the chair. Pin attempt.
- Kanyon puts his foot on the rope.
- Kanyon hits Booker with the brickless book.
- Kanyon's shocked. No brick!
- Axekick.
- T-bone supplex. Two.
- Booker to the top as the ref tends to Kanyon.
- Jarrett kabongs Booker with his guitar.
- Kanyon sets up the Kanyon-cutter.
- 1-2-3.
- Mike Awesome is putting the moves on the fat chick.
- He says he'll beat Scott Steiner.
- Steiner attacks Awesome before the match.
- Awesome sends Steiner into the crowd and leaps after him.
- They brawl through the crowd.
- Awesome with a slam on the concrete.
- This is very 1996 ECW.
- They make their way back to ringside.
- Steiner with a chair. Whack.
- Awesome's face kisses the steps.
- Inside the ring, Steiner hits a clothesline and an elbow.
- Kicks by Steiner. Whip. Awesome lifts a boot and Steiner tastes it.
- Awesome to the top. Steiner meets him there. Belly-to-belly supplex.
- Two.
- Steiner with punches. Backbreaker.
- Awesome blocks a supplex and drops Steiner gut-first on the top rope. Steiner to the floor.
- Awesome with an elbow from the apron.
- Steiner gets a chair to the gut.
- Awesome hits Steiner with the bell. Punch.
- Awesome chair shots.
- Steiner driven back-first into the apron a few times. Into the safety rail.
- Back inside, Steiner throws a punch and gets choked over the rope.
- He falls back, and Awesome his a flying vault, Rick Martel style.
- Steiner blocks a supplex.
- Here comes Commissioner Miller.
- Steiner with a belly-to-belly, and he signals for the Steiner Recliner.
- Miller says "no you don't." The move has been declared illegal. Steiner hits Miller.
- Awesome with a powerbomb.
- Two.
- Awesome to the top. Frogsplash. Two.
- Awesome sets up for a powerbomb, and Steiner pushes him into the corner.
- The ref gets hit.
- Miller in. He goes to kick Steiner, but whacks Awesome.
- Ref gets up, Steiner covers. Two.
- Another Steiner belly-to-belly.
- Miller threatens to strip Steiner of the title if he uses the Steiner Recliner.
- Steiner puts it on Awesome and Miller orders the match over.
- Miller takes the title belt, and is attacked by Steiner.
- Steiner hits a deadly t-bone supplex on Awesome.
- Steiner is no longer the champ.
- Demon, Asya and ref Charles Robinson go looking for Vamp.
- They find a coffin, but no Vamp.
- Demon calls out for Vampiro.
- He walks a bit more and Vampiro drops down from a tree.
- Vamp misses.
- They brawl. The lighting is terrible.
- Vampiro with a chin lock. He tells The Demon to join him. Asya breaks it up.
- Vamp into an open grave.
- He drags The Demon into it.
- Vampiro gets out of the grave and drags Asya around by her hair.
- He tells her he tried to help her, but she wouldn't listen.
- Demon crawls out of the grave.
- Apparently, the first guy to make it back to the arena wins.
- Demon finds Asya by a riverbed.
- Vampiro emerges from the water, and he drags The Demon in.
- They fight until Vamp leaves The Demon behind, hurt.
- Asya is upset. Vamp drags her around by her hair again.
- Demon finds Asya by the coffin.
- Vamp emerges from the coffin and spits something in his eyes.
- Vamp asks Demon if he will join him.
- Demon says no. He gets a piece of tombstone to the head.
- Vamp puts Demon in the coffin, and he dumps it in a grave.
- Vamp: "Say hi to Sting when you see him in hell."
- Vamp spits and throws a torch in the grave.
- We cut quite abruptly to...
- Shane says he'll beat Buff Bagwell.
- Yeah, so?
- Buff tells Shane to wait. Buff starts a "Franchise sucks" chant.
- I heard the same thing about you, too, Buff.
- Buff jaws at Shane.
- Shane with a slap. Buff comes back with punches and a dropkick.
- Outside, Buff whips Shane around.
- Buff kicks Shane in the ribs a few times. Eye rake.
- Douglas drops Buff on the safety rail.
- Shane rips the pads off the floor and attempts a piledriver (on the folded pads -- duh!!!). Buff flips Shane over.
- Inside, Buff knocks Shane... outside.
- Shane drags Buff outside. Brawling.
- Buff gets crotched on the ringpost.
- Buff stops a chairshot with a kick to the gut.
- Buff picks up the chair, and Shane punches it into Buff's face.
- Shane says something to the crowd.
- Inside, Shane with a snapmare and leaping necksnap.
- Shane with a necktwist. What a bad egg.
- Time for someone to walk out.
- Here comes Torrie Wilson.
- Shane wants a kiss. He gets a slap.
- Buff with a cover. Two.
- Buff keeps the advantage, and hits a V-bomb.
- Two.
- Buff gives Torrie a kiss and gets a kick in the nuts.
- It's just like grade school.
- Douglas with a Pittsburgh plunge. Two.
- Shane is shocked.
- Buff gets up. DDT. Two.
- Buff to the top. Torrie distracts him.
- Shane hits a jawbreaker.
- Three.
- Torrie hugs Shane.
- Hollywood Hogan is here.
- Hollywood? What about Hulk?
- Gimme the yellow Hogan.
- Anyway, Jarrett says something to Mean Gene about the movie The Usual Suspects and he leaves.
- Michael Fluffer is in the ring doing the intro.
- Are you rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrready?
- Uh, no.
- This is too early in the show. Something's up.
- Jarrett's music starts, and Vince Russo comes out.
- Jarrett follows.
- Hogan comes out to the ring. He is a GOD!!!
- Hogan says Jarrett is the Chosen One. Chosen to be powerbombed.
- Hogan is so clever!
- Jarrett stalls.
- The bell rings, and Jarrett lies down.
- Hogan doesn't know what to make of it.
- Russo throws the belt at Hogan.
- Hogan asks for the microphone.
- Russo walks away.
- Hogan says this type of "bullshit" is the reason WCW is in the shape its in today.
- Hogan puts his boot on Jarrett anyway.
- Pin.
- New champ!!! New champ!!! New champ!!!
- Vampiro walks into the arena.
- He comes to the ring to secure the victory in his match.
- "The dark circle has now been completed. The Demon is now dead..."
- He goes on about how he promised to do away with Dale "The Demon" Torberg and Sting.
- The crowd chants "We want Sting."
- From the back, cloaked figures in Sting masks emerge with a coffin.
- Vamp tells the crowd "Sting is dead!!! I finished Sting!!!"
- From the coffin, someone who looks like Sting emerges, and his music starts up.
- He hits Vamp with a bat and puts him in the coffin.
- The multiple Stings point their bats at Vamp.
- Goldberg says he's going to end Scott Hall's career.
- He starts to talk about leaving WCW three weeks ago.
- He says he didn't know if he'd come back.
- Russo says the politics of WCW have made him want to quit.
- He says he came back for the guys who work hard, like Booker, MIA, the Animals, and Jarrett.
- He says Hogan doesn't care, that he's a politician.
- Egads!
- He says Hogan used his creative control clause in his contract to force Jarrett to lose tonight.
- He says he doesn't want to rip off the fans.
- He says the WCW belt is now the Hogan memorial belt, and that there will be a new WCW belt made.
- Russo says Jarrett is still the champ, and that he will defend tonight against the man who has been held back by Hogan — Booker T.
- Russo says Hogan can kiss his ass.
- Poor Hogan.
- Scott Hall's WCW career is on the line.
- Yeah. So? When was the last time Hall stuck around for longer than a week?
- Seriously.
- Goldberg drops Hall's contract off at ringside.
- Nash has a look at it. Is Hall making more than Nash?
- The bell rings. Goldberg snorts at Nash. Nash says "f### you."
- Tie up. Goldberg powers Nash to the corner.
- Punches.
- Knees and elbows by Nash.
- Boot choke, and Goldberg powers out.
- Trip. Hip toss.
- Standing side kick by Goldberg.
- Nash blocks a punch. Chokeslam. Two count.
- Scott Steiner is out.
- Goldberg hammers Nash.
- Nash reaches the ropes, and the ref forces a break.
- Goldberg yaks at Steiner.
- Goldberg whips Nash into the corner and eats a boot.
- Side slam by Nash. Two.
- Goldberg misses a spear and hits the turnbuckle.
- Nash set up the powerbomb. Steiner turns on him.
- Nash fights back, but Goldberg hits the spear on Nash.
- Jackhammer.
- 1-2-3.
- Goldberg rips up Hall's contract.
- Steiner with the recliner on Nash.
- Gene talks with Booker T.
- Booker says he's surprised, but he's ready.
- "Can you dig that, Gene?"
- The Fluffer is back. Are you rrrrrrrready?
- Well, okay, maybe this time...
- Booker out first. He's getting a title shot.
- Finally.
- Jarrett next. This could be good.
- Both men play the crowd.
- The bell rings.
- Booker stalks Jarrett.
- Lock up. Headlock by Jarrett.
- Break. They set up again.
- Jarrett takes down Booker.
- Jarrett with a go-behind.
- Headlock by Booker.
- They run around, bouncing off the ropes.
- Booker with a dropkick. Jarrett outside.
- Jarrett in. He punches Booker a few times.
- Booker reverses a whip, misses a punch but hits a sidekick.
- Jarrett out. Booker follows.
- They go through the crowd.
- Brawling.
- Booker reverse-whips Jarrett into the wall.
- They drags their butts back to ringside.
- Jarrett with a chair to the back.
- Booker is tossed into the announce table.
- Jarrett sets up a piledriver and hits it.
- Jarrett drinks some water.
- They roll into the ring.
- Jarrett stomps Booker.
- Booker with punches.
- Jarrett responds with a sleeper.
- The ref checks Booker's arm. Booker comes alive before his arm drops a third time.
- Booker escapes, gets caught in another sleeper.
- Booker escapes again, locks a sleeper of his own.
- Jarrett out with a knee-breaker.
- Jarrett tries the figure four. Booker rolls it into a pin attempt. Two.
- Jarrett goes back to the figure four and locks it.
- Booker rolls it over. Jarrett reaches the ropes.
- Jarrett sets Booker's leg on the rope and sits on it.
- He misses a second attempt.
- Booker blocks a punch.
- Punches, knee to the gut, axekick, spinaroonie, pancake, 1-2-shoulder up.
- Booker goes for a sidekick and gets crotched on the top rope.
- Jarrett with punches.
- Booker whipped into the ref.
- Ref down, Jarrett tries to hit Booker with the belt. Booker ducks, gets the belt, hits Jarrett.
- Ref counts, 1-2-shoulder up.
- Jarrett gets a chair, and wedges it between the turnbuckles.
- Jarrett gets tossed into it. Another two count.
- Jarrett punches Booker and hits the stroke on the ref.
- Another ref is coming out.
- Jarrett gets his guitar and goes to the top.
- Booker moves out of the way, t-bone supplexes Jarrett and scores the pin!!!
- Booker T is your WCW World Heavyweight Champion!!!
- David Arquette, kiss my ass!!!
- This is freakin' fabulous!!!
- Imagine... giving the belt to a guy who works hard and has a truckload of talent.
- A satisfying finale.
- See you at New Blood Rising.