I'm a bit under the weather this week, so no mailbag. Like y'all would miss it anyway. :-)
You know, I should write something witty about Vince Russo's recent absence from WCW, but that would require me to care about him, right?
Russo or not, the show must go on...
Some bits from Thunder air. Apparently, Scott Steiner put Vince Russo in the Recliner after the show.
Members of the New Blood emerge from two limos. The Cat uses Vince's injuries from Thunder as the reason for his absence. Members of R&B Security notify The Cat about a situation in the ring.
In the ring, Horace Hogan stages a sit-in with his bat.
Oh yeah, we're from Billings, MT tonight.
Horace Hogan speaks.
Horace talks about a guy who he considers a fly-by-nighter wipe out his uncle Hulkie.
Horace says that Goldberg is in it for the money.
Horace's motives tonight are family honor and revenge.
Horace wants Goldberg in the ring and plans to be next.
As The Cat walks out, we see Goldberg demolish Hulk from last week.
Cat says that Goldberg is too busy for Horace.
Cat tries to get the crowd's attention.
Cat addresses Scott Steiner hurting Russo.
Cat says that there will be no outside interference tonight. Shouldn't that be the rule every night, though?
Cat offers to suspend Steiner for 30 days, fine him and make him clean floors if he interferes in any match.
Cat says that no one can do anything to him.
Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner and Midajah walk out.
Nash says that he and Scott are in a real bad mood.
Nash calls Cat a dreammaker, and Tony Schiavone refers to "booking on the fly."
Nash says that Horace wants a match with Goldberg.
Cat agrees to the match.
Nash says that Cat will do whatever he says.
Steiner reminds Cat of what he did to Russo.
Steiner says he's been looking for Eric Bitchoff (his words, not mine) but he can't find him.
Since Steiner can't find Russo, he challenges Cat.
Cat says he's too pretty to wrestle, and the faces advance.
Cat says he'll give Steiner a match with Jeff Jarrett.
Steiner refuses, so Cat offers a title shot.
Nash says they aren't done yet.
Horace and Steiner are happy, but Cat still has Scott Hall's contract.
Nash says that he and Cat will battle for said contract.
Horace pokes Cat with the bat as the rest of the faces converge toward ringside.
Cat reluctantly agrees.
Nash praises Cat's job as commissioner.
Nash says that after he busts Cat's back, that's all he'll be able to do.
Nash scares Cat into the crowd.
We cut to the three-shot. Thankfully, Scott Hudson is wearing a shirt this week.
In a production truck, Chuck Palumbo and Shawn Stasiak tell the crew to play a tape. They get beat up by Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott outside the rig.
Jeff Jarrett and Mike Awesome break into The Cat's office. Cat appoints Awesome as guest referee for Jarrett's match.
Match #1: Three Count (w/ green circles) vs. Yung Dragons
Wow, these guys are still around?
And how did they get their circles back?
Three Count do some mic work and offer a new single on this week's Thunder.
Yung Dragons break up the dance session.
If you think I'd be able to keep up with this, you're nuts.
It's a brawl in-and-out of the ring to start.
Jamisan and Helms tango in the ring.
Kaz with a nice spinning heel kick on Moore.
Moore puts Kaz in a fireman's carry and Helms helps out with a neckbreaker.
Evan comes in for some more punishment.
Evan whips Kaz and throws him up in the air.
Evan with an armwringer.
Helms comes off the top with a sunset flip for two.
Helms with a gutwrench saulto.
Moore comes in and gets whipped into Kaz in the corner.
Problem is, Kaz moved.
Tag to Yang.
Yang cleans house and goes to strike Jamie Tucker, but stops short.
Yung punches Evan in the corner and backflips out.
Moore with a sleeperhold into an inverted-DDT like move.
Moore covers, but Jamisan makes the save and throws him out of the ring.
Evan comes off top with the Outrageous Corkscrew but Kaz makes the save.
Yang with a slam on Evan.
Kaz and Yang go up top but Moore trips them off.
Jamisan hits the ring and gets clotheslined by Evan.
Three Count combine for a facebuster (called "big splash" by Schiavone) on Jamisan for the win.
YOUR WINNERS: Three Count via combined facebuster in 3:55.
Post-match, Lance Storm runs in and cleans house on the heels, including a somersault dive on two of the Count outside!
Storm runs off into the crowd.
Wow, from fighting for the ECW Heavyweight Title to a feud with the mighty Three Count. Way to go there, Lance.
Match had more spots than Ron Jeremy's bedsheets during an all-night Spice Channel Fest.
David Flair searches for Daffnee.
Goldberg is walking.
Mike Tenay interviews Horace and asks if he's crazy.
Match #2: WCW Hardcore Champion Big Vito vs. Johnny "The Bull" Hugger
Last week, Vito won the title from Terry Funk and turned on his partner.
Vito attacks Hugger with the kendo stick on the ring apron.
In the aisle, Vito with a shot to the chest.
Vito sends Hugger into the rail.
Vito beats on Hugger with the belt.
Hugger reverses a whip into one of the stands.
Hugger charges with what could be Roadblock's safety barricade but Vito counters with a kick.
Now they go backstage.
Vito rams Hugger into a crate.
Vito with the trashcan.
Vito shoves Hugger into a table.
Vito beans Hugger with Alexandra York's laptop. Okay, I made the York part up.
This is quite the cookie-cutter "hardcore match."
Hugger regains the advantage after shoving Vito into some pipes.
Now they fight on the scaffolding.
Vito with the Impaler onto the table for the win!
YOUR WINNER: Big Vito via Impaler.
My watch screwed up, so no match time here.
Anyway, this match sucked. It was basically two guys shoving each other into various objects, like most of WCW's "hardcore" matches.
If Vito and Hugger can't put more of an inspired effort into their brawl, then I can't be inspired to report about it.
But that Impaler from the scaffolding was cool, so I'll go...
The Cat searches for Scott Hall's contract.
Hugger is tended to by a trainer. Terry Funk offers to help Hugger out.
Chavo Guerrero, Jr. gets jumped by Rey Mysterio, Jr., who gets jumped by The Artist, who gets jumped by G. I. Bro.
G. I. Bro gives a pep talk to his troops, telling them to get serious, and Corporal Cajun to take the stocking off his face. Bro says he's on his own tonight and calls "G. Rection" general.
"Positively" Kanyon hits the ring.
Kanyon does the Diamond Cutter and even slumps in the corner a la Page.
Kanyon: "Cut the music, Monkey."
Kanyon promotes his new book.
Kanyon: "You got to read it two-time, two-time, two-time!"
Kanyon says he got up this morning and gave himself the old Self Hi-Five.
Kanyon says he read his book and feels positive.
Kanyon feels that he can't be beaten.
Kanyon offers someone in the back to feel the bang.
Kanyon's portrayal of DDP is priceless here.
Bro rushes the ring and eats an axehandle.
Bro cleans house after a whip.
Bro with a short-armed kneelift.
Bro whips Kanyon into a flapjack.
Spinerooni. We get it already, Madden.
Bro dumps Kanyon from the ring and takes off his fatigues, revealing white shorts.
David Flair finds Daffnee in the back and gets slapped when he tries to talk to her.
While Horace tapes up, Goldberg watches on a monitor.
Match #3: Horace Hogan vs. Goldberg
They replay the destruction of Hulk Hogan from last week.
In the back, Nash and Scott Steiner discuss running in during the match.
Despite being a heel, Goldberg gets the guarded entrance.
Despite being a heel, Goldberg gets at least ten times the face pop that Horace did.
Horace starts with a kick and some punches.
Goldberg no-sells a chop in the corner.
Goldberg gets whipped and lands a lariat.
Goldberg pummels Horace on the mat.
Goldberg dumps Horace from the ring.
Goldberg press slams Horace onto the rail.
Goldberg goes for a punch but ends up hitting the ringpost.
Horace gets a chair and batters Goldberg with it.
Horace sends Goldberg inside.
Horace whips Goldberg into a big boot, but he no-sells.
The spear, Jackhammer and pin are academic here.
YOUR WINNER: Goldberg via Jackhammer in 2:43.
Goldberg chokes out Horace in an effort to get a heel reaction.
Did it work? Like hell.
Nash and Steiner converse some more.
The Cat is walking.
Match #4: The Cat vs. Kevin Nash
Cat lays the briefcase in the center of the ring.
As Cat rants, we see a set of handcuffs attached to the case.
Cat cuts a rug and walks on ringside.
Cat attaches the handcuffs on Madden's left arm, then re-enters the ring.
Cat teases Nash with the key.
So, is Cat supposed to be Teddy Long and Nash Norman The Lunatic?
Nash assaults Cat in the corner.
Some kneelifts and an elbow follow.
Cat bails out and calls for the troops.
Cat grabs the house mic but gets beat up.
Cat grabs Madden's headset but gets pummelled.
Back inside, Cat begs off.
Cat with a blow to Little Sexy.
Cat with some side kicks.
Nash with a running clothesline.
Nash makes the sign of the Wolfpac.
Nash hits the powerdrop and covers with one foot for the win.
YOUR WINNER: Kevin Nash via powerdrop in 2:37.
Post-match, Nash gets the precious key.
Nash opens the briefcase and retrieves...
... some autographed pictures of The Cat.
Nash returns to the ring and The Cat begs off.
Goldberg appears on the TurnerTron with Scott Hall's contract.
Goldberg tells Nash to claim it at Bash At The Beach then eats the paper.
Why, yes, that sucked as much as I thought it would.
Mike Tenay speaks to Kevin Nash. Nash makes an absurd comment saying that he's the only guy that has beaten Goldberg. Uhm, I recall Goldberg jobbing to Bret Hart last October. Anyway, Scott Steiner comes into the picture and rants about Jarrett.
Match #5: Rey Mysterio, Jr. (w/ The Filthy Animals) vs. WCW Cruiserweight Champion Chavo Guerrero, Jr. (with the Misfits in Action) vs. The Artist (w/ Paisley)
Konnan cuts a promo as the Animals lounge in the ring.
Disco Inferno peps Rey, Jr. up for his match.
Juvy calls the Misfits the New Jabroni Order.
The Misfits with their champion make their way out.
Out next is The Artist and Paisley.
Artist attacks Chavo outside the ring.
Artist sends Chavo inside.
Rey with a legdrop for two when Artist saves.
It's a slugfest.
Artist whips Rey into the corner, lifts him on his shoulder and gives him a reverse powerbomb.
Artist whips Chavo, who ducks a clothesline.
Chavo charges at Artist and gets back bodydropped outside the ring.
Rey leaps on Artist and bodyscissors Artist out of the ring.
Rey holds Artist as Chavo goes up top.
Artist interrupts Chavo's momentum then eats a spinning heel kick.
Rey Bronco Busters Artist in the corner.
Rey goes for a superplex on Chavo but gets crotched on the top rope.
Chavo with the Tornado DDT for the clean win.
YOUR WINNER: Chavo Guerrero, Jr. via Tornado DDT in 2:24.
A big schmozz erupts from the women first, then the men get involved.
At least they schedule the melee after the match.
Mike Tenay interviews Daffnee, but David Flair interrupts with a bouquet of flowers. David asks Daffnee to take him back and she accepts.
David escorts Daffnee to her car and then smooches with Miss Hancock somewhere in the back. Daffnee views this from a monitor and reacts appropriately.
Match #6: WCW Tag Team Champions The Perfect Event vs. Tank Abbott and Rick Steiner
Yes, that's the name they give the two newbies.
Tank drives Shawn into the corner and then gives him a spinebuster.
Tank stomps Shawn and tags in Rick.
Rick with some kicks.
Rick whips Shawn into a clothesline.
Rick covers for two.
Rick with a belly-to-belly suplex for two.
Rick whips Shawn, who kicks his opponent and tags in Chuck Palumbo.
Palumbo goes for a leapfrog after a whip and gets suplexed by Rick.
Cover gets two.
Tank jumps the rail and chases after a "fan."
As Palumbo tags out, Rick stares at the direction in which Tank went.
Stasiak and Palumbo beat up on Rick outside.
Rick fights back but the power of two men is greater than the power of one, it seems.
Back inside, the heels do some more of their boring offense.
Rick gets whipped, but he takes down the heels.
Rick belly-to-bellies Palumbo for two.
Stasiak gets the flexor, but Rick intercepts.
Rick gives Palumbo a German suplex.
Rick goes up top but Palumbo hits him with the flexor as Charles Robinson is distracted.
A double flapjack leads to the win.
YOUR WINNERS: The Perfect Event via double flapjack in 4:41.
Dale Torborg talks to Asya about their relationship. Torborg gives Asya the Demon costume and tells her to get rid of "him." Meanwhile, Vampiro watches from another monitor.
Doesn't anyone get any privacy anymore? Sheesh.
Vampiro walks out.
We are shown clips of last week's "match" with The Demon. I am glad that Vamp didn't get hurt, though.
Vamp says that he thought he had a lot in common with Demon.
Vamp hears that Demon is going away and offers a party.
Vamp calls out Dale Torborg and Asya.
Vamp tells Penzer to cut The Demon's music because it's Dale Torborg walking out.
Vamp asks Torborg if he feels empty if a part of him goes away.
The lights go out and when they return, Asya is not there.
The lights go out again and Vampiro is gone.
What is this shit?
Vamp's on the Turnertron driving a hearse away from the arena.
Yeah, this will really get over.
While we're at it, let's complete this farce by turning someone into a tiger or spinning someone's head in a gimmicked box.
It's MASS WALKING galore, ba-bee!
Match #7: Shane Douglas, Bam Bam Bigelow and Chris Candido vs. Buff Bagwell and Kronic
The Guys That Would Be Called The Triple Threat In ECW walk out.
Douglas tells Billings, MT to look at true greatness.
Douglas says that he's going to take things by force.
Douglas says that his partners are setting their sights on the tag team titles.
Douglas challenges Buff Bagwell to any kind of match at BATB.
Buff walks out solo.
Buff waves out his backup in the form of Kronic.
I should point out that Candido is wearing an arm sling.
Sign: "Goldberg Fears HHH."
Chant: "Franchise Sucks!"
Douglas and Clarke lock up.
Clarke with a kneelift.
Clarke whips Douglas, who gets out of a press slam.
Douglas with a dropkick.
Douglas goes up top but comes down like his hated rival, Ric Flair.
Clarke hits a urinage.
Tag to Adams.
Doubleteam elbow by the pot smokers.
Adams with a full-nelson into a slam.
Cover gets two.
Tag to Buff.
Douglas runs and tags Bigelow in, who gets some blows.
Bigelow with the falling headbutt.
Bigelow whips Buff into the corner and hits a charge.
Tag to Douglas.
Douglas stomps away.
Douglas with a facelock.
Douglas with more offense in the corner.
Douglas with the rolling vertical suplexes.
Cover for two.
Buff comes back with what Hudson calls a Kenta Kobashi DDT. Basically, it's Buff DDT'ing his opponent from a double underhook position.
Tags to Adams and Bigelow.
Clarke takes down Bigelow and Adams throws Douglas into him.
Bigelow with a double DDT on Kronic from a whip.
Kronic comes back with a pair of shoulderblocks.
Kronic hits High Times but referee Jamie Tucker is distracted.
Candido uses an illegal object but Clarke shrugs it off.
With everyone but Buff and Bigelow out of the ring, Buff goes for the Blockbuster but Bigelow blocks.
Bigelow charges the corner but Buff evades.
Buff hits the Blockbuster for real the second time around, and gets the win.
YOUR WINNERS: Buff Bagwell and Kronic via Blockbuster in 6:19.
Post-match, Douglas blindsides Buff and hits the Pittsburgh Plunge.
Kronic makes the save.
Match of the night thus far. Glad to see Buff motivated again.
Various people walk.
Match #8: WCW World Champion Jeff Jarrett (w/ The Cat and Mike Awesome) vs. WCW United States Champion Scott Steiner (w/ Midajah)
The Cat accompanies Special Guest Referee Mike Awesome to the ring.
Jarrett carries his guitar to the ring, in case having two of his teammates at ringside isn't enough of an advantage.
The Cat says he's going to take care of business as Steiner walks out.
Hudson talks about Scott Steiner gunning for the title in 1991.
Steiner tells The Cat to make the matches as exciting as possible.
Steiner tells The Cat that he sucks then says he'd have a panties on a pole match. &;nbsp&* sigh *
Jarrett jumps Steiner from behind and stomps away.
Jarrett hits the ropes, slides under Steiner and eats an inverted atomic drop.
Steiner with a tilt-a-whirl suplex.
Steiner hits a clothesline and an elbowdrop.
Steiner with the PUSH-UPS OF DOOM!
Jarrett charges at Steiner in the corner but gets picked up and rammed into another corner.
Steiner drapes Jarrett on the ring rope and clotheslines him out of the ring.
Steiner goes for a whip to the rail but Jarrett reverses.
Jarrett with a chair shot.
Jarrett threatens Midajah and brings her into the ring.
Midajah leaps on Jarrett, which allows a Steiner chairshot.
Steiner clotheslines Jarrett over the rail.
And we're in the crowd.
And we're out of the crowd, as Steiner throws Jarrett over the rail.
Back inside, it's all Steiner, all the time.
Steiner catapults Jarrett into the corner.
Steiner with a press slam.
Jarrett flips out of a suplex and hits a ballshot.
Jarrett with some stomps.
Steiner reverses a whip to the corner but runs into a boot.
Jarrett to the middle rope and he comes off with an axehandle.
And an axehandle from the top.
Jarrett to the middle rope again but he gets caught.
Jarrett with an eye gouge, which leads to a backdrop suplex.
Jarrett whips Steiner into a sleeperhold.
Steiner tries to elbow out but Jarrett gets the hold back on.
And a sleeper-reversal.
Steiner with a vertical suplex.
Awesome begins the standing ten-count, and is counting at normal speed. Given the logic, wouldn't it make more sense for Awesome to hit ten ASAP so Jarrett keeps the belt?
Steiner comes back and hits a powerslam for a normal two-count.
Steiner with a belly to belly off the corner for another fair two count. ¿Que?
Jarrett with a kick to the chest.
Jarrett tries The Stroke, but Steiner counters.
Steiner with The Recliner but Cat declares the hold illegal.
Awesome tries to break the hold and finally does so with a chair to the back.
Jarrett covers Steiner for two. C'mon, heel refs do fast counts.
Jarrett and Awesome put the boots to Steiner.
Steiner gets whipped but delivers a double-clothesline.
Jarrett bails, and Steiner suplexes Awesome.
Steiner puts Awesome in the Recliner, and Jarrett breaks it up with a guitar.
Jarrett covers for three.
YOUR WINNER: Jeff Jarrett via pinfall in 9:10.
Post-match, Cat prepares for an ass-whooping and gets one of his own when Steiner comes to.
Jarrett and Awesome run-in but Steiner clears the ring.
Goldberg hits the ring and spears Steiner to finally get some boos.
Kevin Nash hits the ring and cleans house.
Goldberg bails before Nash can nail him, though.
The Good: The last two matches were literally a show-saver. I can actually watch Buff Bagwell and Scott Steiner work again without wincing. This is a very good thing.
The Bad: I really wish they would leave the gimmicks at home for the Vampiro-Demon feud and let the two just go at it.
The Ugly: Goldberg trying to get a heel reaction. Sure, he got one at the end, but the fans just loved him tearing the crap out of Horace earlier.
Subpar effort this week, but I enjoyed the last two matches, so this week isn't a total write-off.