Just like SuperBrawls VII and VIII, WCW's February ppv offering is coming straight out of the Cow Palace in San Francisco. Should be plenty of cows on the show.
Alright... I've got my television on, and the show is about to start.
- Lash to the ring first.
- Madden's commentary may be goofy, but he's an improvement on tired old Bobby Heenan.
- TAFKAPI out with what's-her-face.
- She takes the stick. Madden says she should show more cleavage, because this is ppv.
- Lash slaps her bottom.
- That did it. The match is underway.
- The Artist gets the initial advantage, forcing Lash into the corner.
- Punches by the Artist, and Lash pushes him out of the corner several times.
- Lash with a tackle and a quick cover. Two.
- Punches by Lash. Lash goes for the spinning punch and eats a superkick.
- Madden calls this "real wrestling."
- Lash whips the Artist to the corner, and the former Prince goes over.
- Lash vaults over the top.
- Back in, the Artist grabs Lash's foot for a dragonscrew legwhip.
- Somebody holds up an early pick for sign of the year:
- The pic's a little hazy, but you get the idea.
- Tree of woe, and Lash takes a running blow to the gut.
- Lash takes an elbow to the head.
- The Artist tries a backdrop but Lash counters with a sunset flip.
- Nakamaki keeps himself from going to the mat by grabbing the ref.
- Actually, he grabs the ref's wee-wee.
- Lash gets the pin attempt anyway for a one count.
- Lash with punches.
- The Artist throws Lash outside where they brawl a bit.
- Inside, the Artist keeps up the offense. A few two counts.
- Shitty punches by Lash.
- More brawling.
- Lash puts the Artist on the top turnbuckle, and tries a hurancanrana.
- The Artist hangs on to the ropes, Lash crashes to the mat, and the Artist hits a jumping DDT.
- 1-2-3.
- The winner, and your new WCW Cruiserweight champ: a penis-grabber.
- Too bad Brian Knobs is too heavy for the cruiser division.
- Norman Smiley is getting his injured ribs taped.
- Brian Knobs bitches about his injured arm.
- I'm writing this just for the people who will read this in the future -- several wrestlers are wearing casts on their arms because The Total Package was on a tear in the weeks leading up to this show, attacking wrestlers and "injuring" them.
- A dressing room reserved by some mystery person is shown.
- Ooooh... a mystery. Who could it be?
- Bigelow enters the ring first.
- Knobs, with cast on arm, slithers to the ring.
- Bigelow has a chair, Knobby has a trash can lid.
- Fit Finley (also with cast) is at ringside. He distracts Knobs.
- Knobs clubbers Bigelow.
- They're already tossing each other around the WCW.com area.
- Bigelow with a trash can shot to the head.
- Brawling...
- They're in the back.
- Bigelow slams Knobs through a table.
- Finley clubbers Bigelow with his cast.
- They walk back to ringside.
- Bigelow is pushed into the ring steps.
- Knobs pulls a table from under the ring and slides it under the ropes.
- They enter the ring.
- Knobs beats on Bigelow, and then he set up a table.
- Bigelow shoves Knobs into the table.
- Tony saw that coming.
- Tenay asks how Tony knew.
- "Well, we've just seen it too many times."
- Yeah, no kidding, arseface.
- Would Tony like me to tell him why WCW is way behind the WWF in popularity?
- Bigelow with trash can lids to the head.
- Greetings from Asbury park. No cover.
- Bigelow goes to the top with a chair.
- He throws the chair at Finley, giving Knobs an opening.
- He crotches Bigelow on the top rope, and hits him on the head with the cast.
- Bigelow falls outside.
- Knobs covers.
- 1-2-3. Title change.
- Who gives a damn?
- Flair yaks while Luger and Liz stand there.
- More dressing room door shots.
- Three Can't get into the ring, and set up their little place mats.
- Evan Karagias says they're not going to sing, and that gets a pop.
- He says Three Can't is here to kick ass.
- Huh.
- Norman comes out in a Jerry Rice jersey.
- Madden points out that Norman's wearing the right jersey, because Jerry Rice always drew triple coverage.
- Norman gets the early advantage.
- Three Can't come back after Karagias kicks out of a sunset flip.
- Basically, the match moves between Norman taking a beating, and Norman getting the advantage only to be double or triple teamed.
- As for your finish...
- Evan with a corkscrew splash.
- Shane with a frog splash.
- Shannon with a Boston crab -- and Norman taps.
- If that was supposed to get Norman over as a guy who can battle courageously against unfair odds, it failed.
- The secret door is shown again.
- Jarrett tells the Harris brothers he NEEDS to know who is behind the door.
- The sarcophagus is wheeled out to the strains of God of Thunder.
- Dale Torberg comes out in full Gene Simmons kit.
- Der Wall's music starts. Heil boredom!!!
- No Wall. Demon goes looking for him and gets ambushed.
- Wally brings Demon to the ring for a good old fashioned beating.
- Press slam.
- Wall pounds Demon in the corner. Boot choke.
- The crowd is chanting "boring."
- My cat walks in the room and yawns.
- Demon comes out of the corner with a clothesline.
- My cat starts to lick its ass.
- Demon pounds the Wall a bit and hits him with an elbow and dropkick.
- Vertical supplex.
- Demon with punches.
- Wall into the corner. He catches the Demon and drops him on the rope.
- Wally smashes Demon some more. Backbreaker.
- Wally to the top rope. Demon meets him in the corner, and he drops the Wall on the mat.
- Demon to the top.
- Wall meets him. Clokeslam.
- 1-2-3.
- Madden: "The Wall's for real. His path of rage continues."
- Uh, no, Mark. "Path of rage" -- that's Taz.
- Mean Gene asks Ernest Miller about James Brown.
- Miller says Brown is in the building.
- The Harris bros pound on the mystery door.
- Tank Abbott and Big Al pace backstage.
- A pole is now attached to the ringpost. Tank's Ultimate Fighting jacket is on the pole.
- Winner is the guy who gets the jacket, I suppose.
- I think the real winners are the people who didn't order this show.
- Al out first. Abbott follows in his underwear.
- The bell rings and Al stalls.
- Al pulls off his belt for a special challenge. They clasp right hands, and tie the belt around those hands.
- They then trade clubbering each other with lefts as they scream "Bring it!!!" a lot.
- Al takes a shortcut by hitting Tank with a forearm, and Tank drops to the mat. He looks dead. And man, is it unconvincing.
- Al take forever to pull Tank under the turnbuckles, and then he stands on Tank's face.
- Looks painful.
- It was somewhat impressive. I certainly wouldn't want anyone standing on my face.
- Abbott gets up, and he's pissed.
- He punches Al repeatedly.
- Tank puts Al over his shoulder, climbs to the top rope, and drops onto the stairs.
- This is more stuntshow than wrestling match.
- Abbott climbs the turnbuckles and claims his jacket.
- Abbott approaches Al, and holds what looks like a knife to the man's throat. Wow. That's a little too much.
- Bad match with a few impressive spots.
- But not impressive enough.
- Geez... just think. If Abbott could do that to Big Al, just think of the damage he could do to Small Mitch.
- Stevie Ray talks smack to Booker.
- A tape is shown recapping their Souled Out confrontation.
- Big T? Geez... the former Ahmed Johnson is really packing it on.
- He's more like Big guT.
- So, the winner gets the rights to the Harlem Heat name. Yay.
- Here comes Booker with that great Leave it to Beaver music.
- Booker is distracted by Stevie Ray, allowing Big guT to attack.
- Clothesline. Slam.
- Booker reverses a whip and hooks a belly to back supplex and then a vertical supplex.
- Booker with standing forearms and a flying forearm.
- Booker puts Big guT outside.
- Booker slams Big guT and Stevie together.
- Back inside, Booker with a flying chop.
- Stevie grabs Booker's leg, and Big guT knocks Booker outside.
- J. Biggs and Stevie Ray attack Booker while Big guT distracts the ref.
- Booker thrown back in.
- He gets out of a Big guT slam attempt and nails a Harlem Russian leg sweep.
- Booker with an axe kick, followed by a Harlem side kick.
- Biggs into the ring, and Booker clears him out.
- Booker with a T-bone supplex.
- Booker clubbers Stevie, hits a missile dropkick on Big guT, and covers for the pin... and the lights go out before the three count.
- The lights are on. But it's not Midnight who shows up.
- Some big guy is standing on the apron.
- Big guT with a crappy forearm on Booker.
- Big guT with his finisher, the Fat River Plunge.
- 1-2-3.
- J. Biggs takes the mike and burps about the new Harlem Heat Incorporated, and what a loser Booker is.
- What a waste of Booker's talents.
- And what short matches. Barely 70 minutes in, and six matches are done.
- The Maestro burbles about Ernest Miller and James Brown.
- Maestro offers up conditions for their match. He says he doesn't think Miller will produce James Brown. So, he says if Brown is in the building, he will listen to whatever music Miller tells him to. If Brown isn't present, Miller must become the Maestro's personal lackey.
- Elsewhere, the Harris bros have found some guy to unlock the mystery door, but the lock's been changed.
- Kidman and Wilson out first.
- Vamp comes out in leather, looking something like an extra from Michael Jackson's Thriller.
- Tie up. Vamp tosses Kidman to the floor.
- Kidman with a headlock.
- Elbows by Vamp, and a toss over the back.
- Kidman lands on his feet.
- Vamp gets the advantage with a tilt-a-whirl slam and a clothesline.
- Kidman jumps on Vamp's back, and they tumble over the top.
- Kidman launches Vamp into the barrier.
- Inside, Vampiro meets Kidman on the top. Vamp with a top rope salto.
- Kicks by Vampiro.
- Brainbuster. Two.
- Powerbomb attempt that Kidman gets out of.
- Vamp regains the advantage with a dropkick to the knee.
- The rasslers fight as Torrie climbs to the apron.
- Vamp sends Kidman into the ropes, and he collides with Torrie.
- Kidman beats up Vamp, and attends to Torrie.
- Vamp hits Kidman and gets a chair. Torrie grabs it, allowing Kidman to whack Vamp with it.
- Inside, the rasslers trade the advantage a few times.
- Vamp with a supplex. He tries another that Kidman turns into a pinfall attempt.
- Vamp with a Rocker dropper. Two.
- Vampiro to the top. Dropkick. Two.
- Vamp climbs to the top. Kidman punches him and hits a hurancanrana.
- Two.
- Vamp with a powerbomb. Another -- this time Kidman is tossed.
- Two.
- Kidman set up on the top. Vamp tries to hook a move.
- Kidman punches Vamp, then falls backwards with a reverse DDT off the top.
- Ouch. Looked awkward. Man, Kidman can be sloppy.
- 1-2-3.
- Feh.
- Terry Funk says his dad, Dory Funk Sr., was the king of the death matches.
- I thought Mick Foley was king of the death matches.
- Sid wants security to get someone for him.
- Daffney, dFlair and Crowbar are in da house...
- The Mamalukes yak.
- dFlair and crew walk that aisle.
- Mamalukes and Disco Inferno to the ring.
- Brawl to start.
- No doubt it will be brawl to finish.
- Crowbar and Big Vito fight.
- dFlair and Johnny the Bull battle.
- Nothing special going on for awhile.
- Finally, Crowbar vaults over the top onto Johnny.
- More brawling...
- The Mamalukes take one of the stretchers, and run it into their opponents.
- Hey -- they all climb into the ring. Wow.
- The Mama's boys beat up dFlair and then they double team Crowbar.
- Daffney into the ring.
- With a great deal of help from Johnny the Bull, she executes a hurancanrana.
- This prompts Disco to enter the ring.
- Daffney sprays Disco with something that blinds him.
- dFlair and Crowbar get the advantage.
- Daffney keeps screaming, which is grating on my nerves.
- It's just like Bill said about Oklahoma recently: bad heel heat.
- More bad brawling.
- Crowbar is put through a table.
- Johnny with a top rope leg drop on dFlair.
- dFlair tossed outside. He's put on the stretcher.
- The Mamalukes tape dFlair to the stretcher.
- Crowbar is getting up.
- The refs are wheeling dFlair to the back.
- Crowbar nails the Mamas with a table.
- He hits them with a trash can.
- The bell rings, but I think it's just Daffney being annoying again.
- Johnny the Bull with a lead pipe to Crowbar.
- Johnny sets Crowbar on a table, and Vito splashes him through it.
- The Mamas tape Crowbar to the other stretcher.
- The Mamas grab Daffney and tape her to a wheelchair.
- They gag her.
- Oh... there is a God.
- Crowbar is wheeled out.
- The match is over.
- The Harris brothers talk with Jarrett.
- Mean Gene is brought to Sid's dressing room.
- Sid says he deserves to be champ.
- Miller to the ring with his Butch Reed hairdo.
- Miller grabs the stick (though not in the TAFKAPI sense) and says people have showed him no respect and have doubted his ability to deliver James Brown.
- He says the crowd doesn't deserve to see James Brown.
- The Cat's music starts up again, and a guy who is not James Brown dances to the ring.
- Then he dances in the ring as Miller screams, "Go James! Go James!"
- Maestro and his concubine enter the ring.
- Maestro says the stipulation for the match was that if Miller couldn't produce James Brown, he'd have to become the Maestro's lackey.
- Maestro yanks the rug off the head of the fake James Brown.
- Miller says you don't disrespect James.
- "Says who?" sez The Maestro.
- "Says me!" sez some voice over the public address system.
- A huge entourage comes out, and James Brown walks to the ring.
- Wonder if he's going to beat up his wife?
- Anyway, The Maestro has collapsed in the ring out of sheer shock.
- The Cat and Brown embrace.
- The Cat dances, Brown dances, and the crowd pops.
- They keep dancing. Yup, WCW sure knows how to build credible heels.
- Crickey... where's Rikishi or a flame thrower when you need one of them?
- Brown actually screams "OW! I feel good!" a couple of times.
- I think he tries to plug his new album.
- The Maestro is still KO'ed by the site of Brown.
- Uh, that's it.
- Best match of the night so far.
- Scott Hall makes smart mark references to bookers and winning belts.
- For the uninitiated, a death match is a hardcore contest that can go several falls, until one guy can't get up. After each fall, there's supposed to be a 30 second rest period, followed by a ten count. If one man can't stand by ten, the match is over.
- So, in other words, these guys can go all night.
- Oh, hold on... these two guys are about 105 when you combine their ages.
- So, the match might go two falls and ten minutes.
- Funk is accompanied to the ring by the man with no angle, Dustin Rhodes.
- Flair comes to the ring to a great ovation.
- Tony says there will be no 30 second rest period. I guess that will speed up the match.
- The bell rings. The rasslers stalk each other.
- Flair pushes Funk into the corner. "Whoo!!!"
- They lock up a few more times. Funk knocks Flair to the mat and punches him over and over again.
- Flair puts Funk in the corner. Chops.
- Funk turns it around. Punches.
- Flair turns it around. Chops.
- Funk punches Flair to the mat. Flair to the outside.
- Funk meets Flair on the apron. Punches. Vertical supplex.
- Flair begs off.
- Flair to the corner. He gets backdropped and punched over and over again.
- Spinning toe hold, a move no one has submitted to since the Civil War.
- Flair gets out of the move, and they go outside.
- Flair tries a vertical supplex outside, which Funk reverses.
- Funk is whipped into the railing.
- Just to be different, Flair tries a vertical supplex outside, which Funk reverses.
- Flair screams in pain and then says, "Oh, shit!"
- Funk covers. 1-2-3.
- Flair gets up at the five count.
- They brawl around ringside.
- By the way, if any of this sounds entertaining, remember -- it's all happening in slow motion.
- Read this recap slower, and you'll get a feel for this match.
- Flair with chair shots to Funk.
- Madden says the crowd has been shocked into silence at the sheer violence of the match.
- Hey -- the crowd is just bored, okay?
- Inside, Flair batters Funk, locks on the figure four, and gets a submission.
- Funk gets up at five.
- Flair with a chop.
- Flair to the top.
- Madden: "This is always a mistake." Funk dumps Flair to the mat, and Madden adds that Flair hasn't hit a successful top rope move since he won the NWA title at Starrcade '83.
- Just think about how long ago that was.
- The rasslers take it outside again. Funk hits a piledriver.
- Flair with chops, Funk with punches.
- Funk with a piledriver on the concrete. Cover. 1-2-3.
- Funk gets a table from under the ring.
- The ref with a slllllllllooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww count.
- Flair gets up.
- Funk sets up the table in the ring.
- Funk grabs the microphone and asks Flair if he'd like to quit.
- Tenay says he's having a flashback to June '89, and the Clash of the Champions I Quit match between these men.
- That shows me Tenay's using Pro Wrestling Illustrated's Almanac as a reference. The PWI Almanac incorrectly lists that Clash as June '89, but it was actually November '89. I remember it vividly.
- But I forgive you, Mike... because sometimes you're only as good as your sources.
- Besides, referencing 1989 reminds us just how long ago it was that these guys were really good. Their 1989 feud was legendary. Now, these guys are merely legends.
- Anyway, back to tonight's match.
- Funk piledrives Flair on the table.
- He decides to forego the pin.
- Funk gets another table from under the ring and sets it up.
- He then covers Flair. Go figure. Two.
- Flair is selling a neck injury.
- Funk puts Flair on the table.
- Funk to the top... it looks like he's attempting a moonsault.
- Flair yanks Funk backwards through the table.
- 1-2-3.
- Both men are down. The count begins.
- Both are struggling to get up. I guess we're one fall away from the end.
- Flair barely gets up. Funk doesn't. Um, okay...
- Well, it was getting good with the tables in the ring, but that ending just sucked.
- We get another look at the mystery door. Who is behind it?
- Could it be the Ultimate Warrior?
- Randy Savage?
- King Kong Bundy?
- Ted DiBiase?
- Big Daddy Dink?
- Arachnaman?
- Mean Gene lets Hogan wheez into the microphone.
- Hogan threatens to hurt Liz. Nice guy.
- The Total Parcel comes to the ring with no heat.
- Out walks the orange-skinned, yellow and red clad nightmare.
- Parcel attacks Hogan.
- Hogan is wearing one of those arm casts, by the way.
- Parcel with basic brawling moves. Hogan recovers.
- He hits a crappy clothesline and a mediocre elbow drop.
- Hogan tosses Luger outside, and then tears off his shirt.
- He strangles Luger with the shirt. Gee... haven't seen that before.
- Chair to the back by Hogan.
- They brawl for awhile, and my eyes glaze over.
- Luger regains the advantage.
- They take it outside.
- Nothing really happens.
- So they take it back inside.
- And nothing really happens.
- Hogan starts to use his arm cast on Luger.
- Hogan slams Luger's head into the turnbuckle 10 times, and all the marks count with him.
- He does it again, this time to nine.
- Hogan punches Luger to the mat again and again.
- Hogan sets up for the legdrop, and Liz whacks him with a chair.
- Hogan chases Liz, and the Parcel recovers... which means this crap will go on.
- Jimmy Hart comes out and takes the bat from Liz.
- Luger gets the advantage and signals for the rack.
- He then hits a vertical supplex, which is as much technical wrestling as we've seen from the Parcel in years.
- Parcel signals for the rack again.
- Hogan rallies, and is once again ready to end it with the big leg, and Luger hits a low blow.
- Jimmy Hart also has a cast on his arm, and he hits Luger with it.
- Hogan with the leg drop. Pin.
- Flair comes out and clips Hogan.
- Sting appears and saves Hogan.
- So much for Sting and Hogan's recent feud. Never happened, I guess.
- The announcers add that Sting is not the person who occupied the room behind the mystery door.
- Can anybody give me a good reason for not bringing Sting back a week ago to hype this show?
- Jarrett has the Harris brothers with him.
- Hall ambles to the ring. He tosses his toothpick at the camera, and misses. Maybe he's hammered again.
- Jarrett goes after Hall, who ducks and nails Jarrett.
- Hall dominates Jarrett and the Harris boys as Sid enters the ring.
- Hall attacks Sid.
- Sid clubbers Jarrett, Hall, the Harris boys, and then stands alone in the ring.
- Hall and Jarrett fight as the Harris boys post Sid.
- Jarrett pounds down both men.
- Jarrett and Hall exchange punches, and you can tell the ref is in position to get hit.
- Yup.
- Sid with a double clothesline and a double chokeslam. Sid covers.
- A second ref comes out. Two count.
- Sid nails Hall, Jarrett hits Sid with the title belt.
- Cover by Jarrett. Two.
- An angry Jarrett clubbers the second ref.
- After that, why the hell would a third ref want to come out?
- Sid throws Jarrett into a chair.
- A third ref comes to the ring, and Hall covers Sid for two.
- Jarrett attacks the third ref.
- After that, why the hell would a fourth ref want to come out?
- A fourth ref comes out.
- ...sigh...
- Jarrett attacks him, too.
- After that, why the hell would a fifth ref want to come out?
- Finally, the referee Jarrett wants, "Slick" Johnson, comes out as ref number five.
- Hall with the Outsider Edge on Jarrett.
- Cover. Ref Johnson counts to two, but a suddenly develops a shoulder injury which keeps him from counting to three.
- Hall appears lost. Sid whacks him, and boots Jarrett.
- Sid leans at Hall, and falls out of the ring in unconvincing fashion.
- Jarrett whacks Sid with a guitar.
- Roddy Piper (w/elbow brace) comes out as your sixth referee.
- He's the man from behind the mystery door, apparently.
- Piper stops referee Johnson from counting Jarrett's pin attempt on Hall.
- Sid with a power bomb on Hall.
- Piper with the count.
- 1-2-3.
- Yawn.
- Er, that's it.