WCW Monday Nitro - February 21^st, 2000

• On the original Mary Tyler Moore Show, there was a plotline that required the main character, Mary Richards, to fire somebody. She was having trouble doing it and was quoted as saying to her boss: "I'm really bad at firing people. . .once I moved to a new apartment rather than fire a housekeeper."

  That noted, I'll be covering for Wade this week as he is in the midst of moving for the 78,145^th time (Aldo's got the inside scoop). That's probably just an excuse to get out of having to watch Nitro tonight. Next week he'll be on his way to Russia or something. *grin*

  I'd slap in a few letters to respond to but I'm just a DDT Digest occasional who steps up to bat when the regulars aren't available. Suffice it to say, I know my role. Not that I have a problem with it! I just don't have the time to do these things every week. I like my sanity the way it is, too. I'd also talk about the colossal bust that was SuperBrawl 2000 but I already turned in an arena report last night (yes, I admit it, I was there). If you haven't checked that out yet, click right here and the magic of the Internet will whisk you away to Xavier Doom's report, with my stuff tacked on at the end.

  I'm still stewing over WCW giving the Cruiserweight belt to TAFKAPI. Could there be anyone out there who deserves it less? Let me know. Bet he at least made Lil' Naitch go "Whoooo!" when he felt him up.

  Reported: Tony Fettuccini..er, Spaghetti..er, Marinara has been dumped by WCW. Adios, muchacho. You sucked while you were here. Nobody cared. Now if WCW can follow that trend with about half a dozen more people just to begin with. . .

  The latest on the condition of Scott Hall may be found at the end of this report. It was reported that Big Al was injured in the fall he took last night and had a bit of trouble supporting himself in back.

  Opinion: I was chatting with my cousin and his friend on the way home from the show last night and the only good thing we could think of in WCW right now was Sting's return. Then, we hit the wall (not The Wall, mind you). If anyone else out there can think of something else that's good, let me know.

  Pre-show commentary by Aldo: I guess being someone's bitch in prison is a lesser evil than covering Thunder.

  Having covered Thunder once, I can sympathize. Even still, the show I got at the time wasn't bad. I'd say being someone's bitch in prison is a lesser evil than having paid for SuperDud 2000, either to watch it on TV or be there in person.

  At least they've cut Nitro back to two hours. That's one more hour of my life each week that I get to keep. Oh, by the by, this is my first covering of Nitro. Sympathy cards, letters, monetary donations, etc. will be gladly accepted. Especially monetary donations. Anyway, without further ado, on to the, er, show.

• Nitro opens with a recap of SuperCrap 2000. I'll spare you the gory details because I like you all.

• Henry: No stills . . . hmmm, I guess they know they will get NOTHING from the replay.

• Dubba J and the Harris Boyz exit a limo and walk by, Jarrett saying they're going to show everyone what his nWo is all about.

• We're LIVE from Arco Arena in Sac-Town, CA.

• Scheme Gene's in the ring, and he calls out a man who was a "big hit" at SuperBrawl, presumably Hulk Hogan. However, the Total Parcel's music comes on and out he comes instead. Guess he couldn't wait his turn.
  • Luger: "Greatest physical specimen. . .blah blah. . ." I could care less about his body fat stats.
  • Luger rants more than I've ever heard him rant before.
  • Luger complains about Sting, who gets a pop.
  • More bitchin' by Luger. Want some cheese with your whine?
  • Hogan's music brings out the Orange Terror. Schiavone still sells the "broken arm."
  • Aldo: "Sign: 'Hulk is pro wrestling' by some guy in a Hulk wifebeater. That wasn't a plant, no sir."
  • Hogan: "You know somethin' Mean Gene..blah blah..let's get it on tonight, braah."
  • Hogan challenges Mr. Charmin to a cage match. Luger looks flustered.

• Schiavone and Madden are your announcers for tonight.

• Replay of Mr. Slapnuts himself decking Nash with the guitar on Thunder.
  • Cowboy hits the speakers and Double J graces us all with his presence.
  • JJ: Cut my damn music.
  • JJ: At SuperBrawl, the Chosen One was screwed for the last time.
  • What is this, night of the whiners?
  • JJ's got a "signed document" that says he'd get a rematch if he didn't walk out of SuperBrawl without the belt. He claims Kevin Nash signed it.
  • Well, well, well. WCW uses a Pay-Per-View to once again set something up for the next night. F*** You, WCW©.
  • JJ says he's turning the Harris Boys loose and warns of impending H-Bombs tonight.
  • I hope they don't bring Horace back. . .

• A limo pulls up outside, and Sid gets out. He's WALKING.

• Next they cut to Kidman and Torrie. Kidman seems to have lost his camera.
  • That was random.

• 15 minutes in so far, and no sign of a match in sight.

• Commercials.

• The Dish Network shills Mickey Blue Eyes on PPV. I saw that on my plane flight back from the East Coast about a month ago and it was actually pretty funny.

• We come back and Madusa's looking at some schedule. She complains (sense a trend here?) about coming all the way to Sacramento and not being scheduled for anything tonight, then has a PMS attack and destroys the board.

• Match 1: Kidman (w/ Torrie) vs. Lash LeRoux.
  • Yes! Lash!
  • If these two actually work, this may be a decent match.
  • Circling and a tie-up to start.
  • Shoulderblock by Lash.
  • Spinning headscissors by the Cajun.
  • Slide under by Kidman, followed by a nice hurricanrana.
  • The Harris Boys run out and apply a beatdown on the two cruiserweights, and rant at the camera.
  • So it's going to be one of THOSE nights. . .
  • F*** You, WCW©.
  • Aldo: "Oh, Christ. This is mid-1999 all over again."
  • And when I did my first Thunder report, it was Sid doing the run-ins.
  • I can't even grade this match because it was so short, but I'm giving negative points for the BS run-in.
  • YOUR WINNER: Er..anyone? Bueller?

• Commercials.
  • They've stopped showing that Pacman commercial with Mr. T. and Mini-Me, in case anyone cares.

• 25 minutes in and about a minute of actual wrestling so far.

• We return to see Buff trying to put the moves on Symphony, comparing himself to The Maestro while someone films what's going on with Kidman's camera.

• Match 2: Vampiro vs. Fit Finlay
  • Odds on the Harris twits ruining this one too?
  • Finlay's arm is still "broken," too.
  • Immediate lockup, and a rough but clean break on the ropes by Fit.
  • Chops by Vamp, and Finlay encourages him to bring it on.
  • Vamp misses a spin kick and takes a cast shot.
  • Fit throws Vamp outside and clubs him with the cast again.
  • Vamp's taking a beatin' outside.
  • Fit gets a chair, then puts it under Vamp's throat and slams it down on the floor. That looked like it could hurt.
  • It'll be Hogan and Luger in a "Last Man Standing" match.
  • Half-crab of sorts by Fit.
  • Irish whip to the ropes, but Vamp kicks Finlay away then catches him with a spin kick off the top.
  • But, Finlay gets in a clothesline and drops an elbow.
  • Another whip to the corner but Vamp moves again.
  • Finlay hits the post with his shoulder and Vampiro rolls him up for the 3-count.
  • Finlay, however, applies a beating to Vamp after the match, landing a Tombstone Piledriver.
  • Not a bad match, but too short and what's the point to it?
  • YOUR WINNER: Vampiro

• In back, The Maestro is spazzing out on Buff, pounding on his back. Buff doesn't seem too sore after security breaks them up and he challenges The Maestro to a match. Or something.
  • My, how the mighty have fallen. Not that Buff was ever that high to begin with.

• Then we cut to La Parka with a newspaper. The crowd cheers at the sight of La Parka on the arena monitors.
  • Madusa shows up and whispers something in his ear.
    
  • Yeah. Right.
  • Incredible. . .someone using La Parka to get over. That speaks volumes about the state of WCW.

• More commercials.

• Back with the Nitro Girls.

• Mean Gene's in back with Booker.
  • It'll be Booker vs. Big Vito in a few moments.
  • Booker basically tells Stevie Ray and Big T to stick it, saying it's all over.

• Match 3: The Mamalukes (w/ Disco Inferno) vs. Booker
  • Godfather music brings out the guidos.
  • Disco grabs the stick and claims that they tried to make it himself vs. Booker. Then he calls Booker out.
  • He's got another proposition: A handicap match vs. the Mamalukes for the belts.
  • Booker answers by decking Disco, and the Mamalukes go on the offensive.
  • Vito with a few punches, sending Booker to the corner, followed by a whip to the other one and a clothesline.
  • Booker slips in a backdrop of sorts and a CRAPPY Rock Bottom on Johnny the Bull.
  • Harlem Sidekick, and Booker goes up top but Disco crotches him on the ropes for the DQ.
  • The Mamalukes and Disco apply a beatdown to Booker, but the Harris Boys come out and get a piece of that pie, delivering an H-Bomb to both Disco and Booker.
  • How about another F*** You, WCW©.
  • YOUR WINNER: Booker via DQ.

• Gene's in back again with the quiet-talking Terry Funk and the silent Dustin.
  • Funk talks a bit and shakes Dustin's hand, and then Dustin actually talks.
  • That was...pointless. And Funk dissed Dustin's old man in front of him. Again.

• Cut to Sid in back, who's laughing like a hyena.
  • That or maybe he's realized just how sad WCW's gotten and REALLY went crazy.

• Commercials.
  • They show a Western Union one with a guy who's the spitting image of my roommate in my second year of college. And Randal in Clerks sounded exactly like him on more than a few occasions.

• Promo for DDP's new book, Positively Page.
  • Folks, I'll tell ya - my money's on that one not even coming close to the level of sales Mick's or The Rock's has generated.

• Gene in the back again, with the "new" Harlem Heat.
  • Big T's looking Positively Pink.
    
  • Stevie Ray says the mystery man (TAFKA 4x4) is someone Booker knows as "Cassius."

• My night takes a turn for the worse as I hear Oklahoma's music.
  • Henry: I can hear the ratings falling through hell's floor
  • Ok-la-ho-ma is out for some commentary. Damn.

• Match 4: TAFKAPI (w/ Paisley) vs. La Parka
  • At least TAFKAPI's actually WEARING the belt.
  • Oklahoma implies in no uncertain terms that a woman's place is doing what Paisley's doing.
  • Healthy chant: "You suck." That works in so many different ways.
  • La Parka! Yes! It's our very own Chairman of the Board.
  • La Parka sets up his chair and strikes The Thinker pose.
    
  • "La Parka" is looking pretty, ah, thin right now. Plus "he's" got a nice rack.
  • Oklahoma is having nothing of it and he comes in and reveals the truth: La Parka is, of course, Madusa.
  • Then the real La Parka comes in and hits a chairshot on Oklahoma.
  • Naturally, TAFKAPI takes advantage of the situation and "earns" a quick win with his jumping DDT.
  • The chairshot on Oklahoma, at least, felt good.
  • Aldo: Yeah, but was it worth the 15-second job?
  • They call it an "impressive" win.
  • Ahem. F*** You, WCW©. Again,
  • YOUR WEINER, ER, WINNER:TAFKAPI

• In back, we see Jarrett and the Harris Boyz walking, followed by Funk and Dustin.

• More commercials.

• Thunder promo. Yawn.

• In back, we're treated to ranting by The Nature Boy and some flexing by Luger.

• Match 5: Terry Funk & Dustin Rhodes vs. The Harris Brothers (w/ Jeff Jarrett)
  • Anyone for Dustin turning on Funk tonight? Hey, I'd only be a day off.
  • Aldo: I could see it. Like I said, Uncensored '95. They should bring that up.
  • So this is what's going up against RAW? The sound I hear right now are millions (and millions!) of remote controls being used.
  • Aldo: "James is stealing my stuff so much I wonder if *he's* a WCW employee."
  • I ain't sayin' a word. I wouldn't want to admit such a thing.
  • JJ goes to the announcer's booth and complains he's been screwed again for the last time.
  • Punches by Funk to Harris #1.
  • More punches in the corner by Funk. 10, to be exact.
  • The Harris' take charge, and Harris #2 gets the tag.
  • Have I ever mentioned I don't like tag teams that look the same?
  • Funk gets choked on the bottom rope and the Harris' work in some double-teaming.
  • Kick to the mush and Funk goes down.
  • Elbow drop on Funk. 2-count.
  • JJ calls that one Ron, not Don.
  • Pathetic punches and headbutts traded. That was sad.
  • Bodyslam on Funk. Was there another tag? Do I care?
  • 2-count.
  • Another tag and some doubleteaming on Funk while Dustin is kept watching.
  • JJ has the nerve to say his boys are looking good tonight.
  • Funk turns the tables a bit with a suplex and a little more offense.
  • Dustin takes a punch in the corner and goes down. He was just standing there.
  • Funk slaps on the spinning toe-hold submission that works on nobody, and Jarrett gets up with his gee-tar.
  • Funk backs him down.
  • Sid Vicious takes a slow walk down.
  • Funk continues to stand off with Jarrett, who moves around slowly on the outside.
  • The "official" bell-ringer bumps into Jarrett and gets his bell rung with the guitar, and Sid chases Jarrett to the back.
  • Dustin comes in and DDT's Funk! Looks like I called that one. Not that it took much to predict it.
  • Dustin goes to work on Funk with a chair as the Harris Boys encourage him on.
  • Another DDT by Dustin.
  • At least the announcers are referring to the old feuds between Funk and Big Dust.
  • So, I'm guessing Funk's going to win that one by DQ. Better question is whether anyone gives a damn.
  • YOUR WINNER: Er, Terry Funk?

• Gene's in back again, this time with Buff.
  • Buff: Blah blah. . .you're gonna get it tonight, Maestro.
  • Lost in the shuffle is that The Maestro is going to be on the second hour of Nitro. Of course, their ranks are so thin these days that it doesn't surprise me.

• Commercials.
  • Another one for Mickey Blue Eyes.

• Another promo for DDP's book.

• Question: If WCW disappeared, would anyone still be watching in order to notice?

• We're back and Funk's being loaded into an ambulance, but Dustin shows up to continue the beating. Then, he drives off in the ambulance to leave Funk with what's supposedly no other way to get to the hospital.
  • Madden's getting a big kick out of this.

• Gene's made it all the way back to the ring this time. His next guest, Sid.
  • WCW should hold a scissors match between Sid and Tank Abbott.
  • Oh, wait. Those WEREN'T scissors Abbott held to Big Al's neck, but a knife instead? Gee, I never would've guessed!
  • Henry: "Only if Arn was the guest Ref . . .and they were safety scissors."
  • Sid rants on the mic to cheers.
    
  • What's wrong with that picture?
  • F'n Sid rants about Jeff Jarrett and Uncensored 2000.

• In back, we get a brief snippet of Kidman and Booker trying to get at the Harris Brothers, followed by Buff walking.

• Commercials.

• By the way, Wade checked in tonight from Afghanistan. He's doing all right. Said he's off to Cambodia next month. I still think he's just making excuses to avoid doing tonight's report. So far, I don't blame him. *grin*

• Back again and Scheme Gene's with Ric Flair.
  • Flair praises Dustin.
  • Flair's tired of Gene kissing Hogan's rump. That's a scary thought.
  • Steady chorus of "Whooos."

• By the way, now WCW's showing stills from last night. Yet. . .they OPENED the show with recaps and no stills. Oooo-kay.

• Match 6: Buff Bagwell (w/ lookalike hat) vs. The Maestro (w/ Symphony)
  • You know you've gone down the ladder when you have to wrestle The Maestro.
  • The Maestro looks pissed, and it's mildly convincing.
  • Buff takes it right to The Maestro, but Mr. Pianoman works in front atomic drop and some corner offense before taking an elbow from Buff.
  • Buff slips out to flirt with Symphony.
  • The Maestro tries to attack Buff on the outside but Buff moves and The Maestro crashes into Symphony, who tumbles into the ring steps.
  • Back in the ring, The Maestro layeths the smacketh down on Buff's candy ass.
  • Then, music brings out The Cat, wearing James Brown's cape.
  • He distracts The Maestro and this lets Buff sneak in a Blockbuster for the quick pin.
  • Someone, please - kill me now. They're pushing a Cat/Maestro feud.
  • And it's not over yet...The Cat's still on the mic.
  • He says it's time for The Maestro to pay up and honor his bet.
  • Every time he comes out, he's to come out to new music...some crap that causes The Maestro to go crazy and attack Billy Silverman, putting him in a Million Dollar Dream.
  • Then, as soon as the music cuts out, The Maestro's like a docile little puppy again.
  • Excuse me while I throw my TV out the window.
  • Er...I would but it's one of those that's built into a heavy wooden frame that sits on the floor. I would've done it, though!
  • That...was horrible. WTF is up with these "music" angles now? Has the well run THAT dry?
  • On second thought, don't answer that.
  • YOUR WINNER: Buff Bagwell

• More commercials, and I get the chance to calm myself.

• Too Cool's on RAW. Anyone mind if I watch that instead?
  • Al Snow tries to get Blackman to wear some yellow "cheese" shades, then plays some cheesy music and tries to talk Blackman into getting jiggy wit' it. That earns a kendo stick to the radio, smashing it.
  • That one minute was more entertaining than the hour and a half of Nitro that I've watched thus far.
  • Scotty 2 Hotty hits The Worm, and I reluctantly switch back to Nitro afterwards. I must be a masochist.
  • Whip me, baby.
  • Er, that was my darker side slipping out for a moment. Nevermind.

• We come back to Nitro to see clips from WCWSN with Hacksaw holding the TV title (see Dan's Saturday Night report for more), and Regal challenges Hacksaw to a title shot.
  • Just what we need. Regal with the belt again and more 10-minute timeout title matches.

• Chae and Tygress dance in cages.
  

• Match 7: The Wall vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
  • What the hell is this doing as the second to last match?
  • Brawling outside. . .
  • Back inside, The Wall misses a high kick and Bigelow lands a clothesline.
  • The Wall pulls down the rope and Bam Bam tumbles outside.
  • Bill? Can I watch RAW instead?
  • Reversal outside and The Wall is flung into the rail.
  • The two stiffs are back in the ring again, and The Wall gets in some more offense before missing with a leg drop off the top.
  • Bam Bam follows up with a DDT and a kick before going up top.
  • Flying headbutt to The Wall's arm. 2-count only.
  • So, Bam Bam follows up with a belly-to-back suplex for another 2-count.
  • Enziguri kick to the back of The Wall's head. Another 2-count.
  • Why oh why is WCW trying to push The Wall?
  • I'm waiting for someone to choke him with his tie.
  • The Wall fights back and catches Bam Bam on the second rope, landing a chokeslam for the pin.
  • Madden: This kid may take over WCW, brick by brick.
  • Shut up.
  • Ho-hum.
  • YOUR WINNER: The Wall

• In back, Hogan's hitting a cage with his cast, chanting "Luger, Luger, Luger."

• Thankfully, more commercials and I switch to RAW just in time to see The Godfather, D-Lo, and a horde o' hos.
  • I mean, escorts.
  • Another sign of how low WCW's sunk - WWF having more success in Atlanta than they are. They've gone right into Turner's backyard and taken over.
  • And right now on RAW, they've got Saturn and Malenko wrestling. They were being used well in WCW before that stupid Revolution gimmick.

• Back on Nitro, I flip back just in time to hear Flair ranting at Arn and, I think, David Flair. I missed it a little. Big deal.
  

• They show the cage and cut to the back for yet another interview with Mean Gene.
  • This time, it's Hogan.
  • I'll spare you all Hogan's usual ranting, but the gist of it is "I'm gonna beat you Flexy Lexy, so whatcha gonna do?"

• Cut to Jimmy Hart and it looks like he's getting some popcorn, or so it seems.
  • Flair jumps him and he and Luger bring him with them as they come out to the ring.
  • Flair chokes and whips Hart with a belt and the two heels take it to him.
  • How studly.

• Commercials again.
  • With any luck, tonight's misery will only last about another 11 minutes, barring spillover time.

• When they come back, The Mouth of the South's still taking a beating.
  • Then the Hulkster runs out (finally) to go to work on Flair and Luger.

• Match 8: Cage match: Hulk Hogan vs. Lex Luger
  • Schiavone: "Thank God for Hulk Hogan!"
  • Madden: "Yeah, whatever."
  • Brawling with chairs and this and that.
  • Security takes away Ric Flair and helps Jimmy Hart out.
  • Hogan and Luger are in the cage now.
  • Damnit, I saw these two last night. Must I watch this again?
  • They must've really cut out the crowd for a few seconds, because all I heard was Schiavone.
  • Hogan hulks out of the corner and gives Luger ten headbutts to the turnbuckle.
  • Hogan rips off his shirt and clotheslines Luger.
  • Then, Hogan chokes Luger with his shirt. Didn't we see that last night, too?
  • Hogan's taking it to TP in the corner with the boot, holding onto the second turnbuckle for leverage.
  • Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. . .
  • Hogan brandishes his cast, then delivers ten headbutts to said cast in the corner.
  • We saw THAT one last night, too.
  • More generic offense by Hogan, and I'm missing Edge/Christian vs. the Hardy Boyz, or so I heard.
  • Like I said earlier, monetary donations greatly appreciated.
  • Luger finally gets some offense in, coming off the second rope with an axehandle to the head.
  • Luger sends Hogan into the side of the cage.
  • Elbow drop by The Package. Three of them, in fact.
  • Luger mocks Hogan's hand to the ear to a chorus of boos.
  • Low blow by Luger, which Hogan actually sells.
  • Boot to the nether regions.
  • Suplex by Luger, who gestures for the Torture Rack.
  • Madden can't wait.
  • Luger's got Hogan in the Rack!
  • But after Luger drops Hogan, guess what?
  • Yep, another Hulk up.
  • Leg drop, etc. etc.
  • Flair's back and he's in the cage.
  • Big cops on Hogan, who, of course, no-sells.
  • Punches to Flair.
  • Big boot.
  • Liz has a chair.
  • Hogan with a bodyslam and leg on Flair.
  • Luger's back up again and now it's two on one.
  • Hogan's still no-selling the chops.
  • Hogan ducks under a double-clothesline then clotheslines both of them.
  • Finally, Luger whacks him in the back with the chair.
  • Flair uses Hogan's weightlifter's belt and beats him like a dog.
  • Luger takes out Doug Dillenger.
  • Luger "breaks" Dillenger's arm before attacking more members of security.
  • It's an old-fashioned mudhole stomp on Hogan.
  • With that, we fade to black.
  • YOUR WINNER: Um. . . . . . .

• Um. Bad show. Bad, bad show. Move along. Nothing more to see here.

More on Scott Hall, as reported by Dave Meltzer at http://www.wrestlingobserver.com.

"Scott Hall is currently in Intensive Care with a possible spinal cord injury stemming from the power bomb and the guitar shot at SuperBrawl last night at the Cow Palace. Hall claimed that he felt something go wrong with his neck on the guitar shot from Jarrett and told Vicious to go easy on him with the power bomb but that Vicious must not have heard him. His right side is said to be very weak and he'll be undergoing an MRI today to find out the damage."