Who is my favorite Hammer? I want to write in a vote for Arm & Hammer -- it keeps my refrigerator smelling clean and doesn't keep coming back in a different package after it's outlived its usefulness.
In the spirit of the "Sunscreen Song", here’s Buddy Lee Parker’s speech to the latest class of Power Plant graduates . . .Ladies and gentlemen of the Power Plant class of '99: Be friends with the booker.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, being friends with the booker would be it. The long term benefits of booker friendship have been proven by Rey Mysterio giant killa' streaks, Al Greene WCW Saturday Night wins, and bookers wearing championship gold, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own mid-card, gimmick-laden experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of technical wrestling. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of technical wrestling until your repertoire has disintegrated to three moves - a clothesline, a forearm, and the Rack. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at videos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how skilled you were and how well you sold. Armbars as not as BO-O-O-O-RING as you imagine.
Don't worry about the ratings. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to book a clean pinfall victory over Hulk Hogan. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday - which ironically is about when the ratings come out.
Threaten to leave the company one time every day.
Don't be reckless with chairs, Singapore canes, and sewage. Don't put up with people who are reckless with Surge coolers, tables, and trash cans.
Don't waste your time on your career record. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. Your career is long and, in the end, it's not like you really had a say in your victories anyway.
Remember the main events you were in. Forget the curtain jerkers. If you succeed in doing this, your career has eclipsed mine.
Keep your old wrestling boots. Throw away your old jock straps.
Don't feel guilty if you blow a spot. The best young talent I know blow spots at 22, but they still give 110%. Some of the most inept 40-year-olds I know still blow spots and they consistently wear gold!.
Get plenty of steroids, but if ESPN calls, refer to them as carbos.
Be kind to your fifth, sixth, and seventh vertebrate. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll push your kid, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll have a marriage like Scott Hall where nobody knows what the hell is going on. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your push is half chance. So is everybody else's.
Enjoy the marks. Use them every way you can. Don't be afraid of them or of what other people think of them, ‘cause let’s face it – they’re the ones buying your shirt! They’re the greatest barometer for judging how your career is going.
Blade, even if those idiots in the truck are gonna pull out to a wide shot.
Make cheap heat sports references, just make sure you know what town you’re in.
Do not read Internet rumors. They will only make you wonder, where the hell do people come up with this crap?!
Get to know the parents. You never know when Flair will punk your old man with his own cane. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and inevitably make the best tag team partners.
Understand that friends come and go, but Diamonds are Forever and so are the Four Horsemen! Work hard to bridge the gap between sport and sports entertainment, because the older you get, the less likely you’ll want to participate in an angle that involves castration.
Work in ECW once, but leave before they kill you. Work in the WWF once, but leave before Vince screws you.
Travel - just don’t let Eddie Guerrero drive.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Ratings will determine your worth to the company. Established stars will get the pushes and you too, will job repeatedly. And when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young, ratings were inaccurate, the established stars put over the new talent, and the company respected the fans. Respect your fans.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have Miss Elizabeth’s alimony. Maybe you'll have a secret benefactor. But you never know when either one might run out, or if you’ll ever find out who it was.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look like Savage’s.
Be careful not to date any Nitro Girl, it’s against company policy, but hit on Torrie Wilson relentlessly - ‘cause if she’s with David Flair, she ain’t picky.
Piper is a form of nostalgia. He attempts to dispense advice, but it comes off as a really tired old man who has lost his way. If he ever starts telling you about his days on the highway, punch him and run – just pray his "Family" doesn’t show.
But trust me on being friends with the booker.
Scott Steiner has now gone over 30 days without defending the U.S. Heavyweight belt.